surviving uncertainty through Certainty

the divine speech course

2012-01-04T05:41:00.000-08:00

assalamualaikum wrb

bismillahirrahmanirrahim

alhamdulillah, all praises and thanks belong to Allah, Most Glorified, Most worthy of praise and thanks, Most Merciful.

(i started writing this at the end of 2011, but now it's 2012 hehe.. subhanAllah.. how time really flies.. may Allah bless our time in the dunia for the best in Akhirat ameen)

:D :D :D i went to the divine speech course by Nouman Ali Khan, so there's no way i'm not going to write about it! hah. one of the best weekends to date. one of the best holidays spent ever. alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.. grateful that Allah allowed me to experience such a mind blowing take on the Quran, sometimes I just didn't know what to feel, the level of awesomeness of it all, to be able to taste a bit of understanding Arabic and how Allah chooses certain words over another... was just crazy overwhelming and something the heart just cannot contain. every moment was almost you feeling like burying your head and thinking subhanAllah how did I not learn about this waaaay earlier. it was amazing, super amazing and duper amazing. and i only ask that the whole experience brings me closer to Him ameen ameen ameen.

i'll share some gems of the weekend later on, i just have to say that nouman ali khan. is like the coolest guy. he's so cool. i say this about mufti menk; i think he is the coolest scholar. i think that remains, you guys should check him out. but nouman ali khan is just another cool guy. islam really makes them cool. cause our teacher, Rasulullah SAW was the coolest man <3. anyway. yeah nouman ali khan is just so good at what he does. the weekend was so amazing. he was just an icing on the cake, so gooooood. by the mercy of Allah. this guy just..gets it. to a tee! by the mercy of Allah. he's so relevant and really knows how to engage with the audience. and it's just surreal to watch him in person, if he's amazing on video, he's 5x more amazing in person. he was the most hilarious i've ever seen/heard him in person. he had us in stitches almost the whole weekend. brilliant and greatly inspiring, can you imagine that this guy during some point of his life didn't even pray regularly... and where is he now? being a student of the Quran himself and teaching it across the states. subhanAllah. it could be OUR story too, really, with our own different versions but the point is that we can make that turn too. insyaAllah. may Allah grant him sincerity in his speech and action, may Allah strengthen him in his work for the deen, may Allah bless him and his families dunia wa Akhirat, grant them His love and pleasure and make us all people of Jannah ameen ameen ameen.

although he's pretty bad in british accents. ha ha ha. but excellent in texan! "you from izlam, boiiiii" lolz (ok that can't be explained)

ok so this is what i would like to share but maybe this doesn't really depict a lot of what we did in essence throughout the whole weekend, it's kind of more like a reflection but still it's one of my favourites if not the, and whatever it is, i would just like to share it, and definitely i must say, doesn't do justice to its beauty but if we are able to appreciate even if a bit.. may Allah help us to benefit from it and become closer to Him ultimately...

"Then your hearts hardened after that, so that they were like rocks, rather worse in hardness; and surely there are some rocks from which streams burst forth, and surely there are some of them which split asunder so water issues out of them, and surely there are some of them which fall down for fear of Allah, and Allah is not at all heedless of what you do."

(al-baqarah:74)

what a beautiful ayat... flawless... this ayat illustrates how Allah uses examples. cause you know how when we're trying to explain something, it's a lot better to use examples it helps us to understand better. and that the audience are able to relate to it. So, here, Allah compares hearts to rocks, hardness of hearts like rocks, or harder (in the above ayat) and He proceeds to describe three types of rocks... but really, He is talking about three types of hearts.

1. it bursts open and water comes out (like riverfall)

2. among the rocks, there are ones which crack open due to force hit them from the outside and when they do, you discover there's water found inside

(first one has more water inside than the second)

3. out of them all, there are ones which fall from the fear of Allah (rocks tumbling down) - no mention of water here

what we can take away from this is that people have different characteristics and different 'pulls'... some people are attracted to knowledge and they're easily moved by that.. they hear something that increases their knowledge and immediately it increases their faith.. but some people may be different. they are not easily moved by lectures on the deen, and the academic details etc. maybe those things are lullaby for them. some people need to be rattled, shaken by something that wakes up the heart.

an interesting parallel with the sahabah... abu bakar RA and umar RA...

how did they come to islam? which one do you think is which? :)

abu bakar has been thinking about it all this while; immediately embraced islam, took the syahadah. some rocks open on their own.

umar came to it not as a direct result of the dakwah of Rasulullah SAW or anyone, it took him about 6 years before he came to it. as a matter of fact, it was a series of traumatic experiences in one of which he discovered that his own sister embraced islam and until he hit her to a point she bled... and then.. crack.. force from outside cracks rock. water. inside. subhanAllah :') took a little bit of work, but eventually it came out :)

water symbolizes faith... purity.. faith inside the heart, water inside the rock.

and then a rock without water. we often struggle with ourselves, sometimes we find that we have 'no water', and it eats us up. for those who are obeying Allah but have not tasted the sweetness of iman... it can be demotivating and sometimes you just don't know how to go on and you feel like you're the only one. but no. this is something that everyone has to stuggle with. Just, still fall from the fear of Allah. we just gotta keep trying.. and be patient.. regardless we get it or not, we should just fall like the rocks, upon the fear of Allah, eventually they will maybe crack and find water inside. but it just takes time. some quicker than others. but probably also longer than usual. but it's okay. it will come, insyaAllah.. the water will come insyaAllah.. we just need to keep trying hard enough.. the iman is from Allah,like everything else. it is a gift from Allah, we will feel it when Allah gives it to us. and Allah will give it to us, when and if He wills it. for us? we should just fall down on sajdah for the fear of Allah. subhanAllah... Allahuakhbar... :')

isn't that beautiful? the parallel between hearts and rocks, the subtle way of comparison, almost.. at least for me.. is just perfect beyond words. suddenly the struggle becomes... light. and the speech of Allah, does so. in the most profound and beautiful way. seriously. and just think, that, if we don't make an effort in exploring the Quran, would the impact be as strong? how perfect Allah's Book is.. and so many people claim to read it everyday.. but we should ask ourselves have we appreciated it as a miracle? because it is... it just blows you over completely and leave you to think what this is so powerful, this is just crazy powerful.. this is just the truth.

the Quran is a miracle,if we take it to our hearts... it is a book if it remains on the shelves. so let's ask ourselves again... how much have we done to understand and appreciate Allah's Book?

and really, Allah's speech is The Best. no contest. no debate. just sheer and utter and absolute perfection.

(it's very difficult to share the essence of what we learned in a blog post, most of it was about the beauty of the Arabic language and how the course was supposed to entice us into becoming a student of Arabic in order to appreciate more in depth of the Quran. and certainly the examples that we went through really showed the precision in Allah's speech and how they are just so perfect and that just transforms our perspectives and views completely. so i'm sorry that i didn't get to reflect that here, but maybe I will share some in the future hehehe insyaAllah)

may Allah open the doors for us all to learn and understand His Book, may Allah guide us into learning and understanding the Quran with our hearts and implementing the divine guidance and divine knowledge into our lives in order to be closer to Him, may Allah help us to teach others the Quran and be able to spread the truth, may Allah strengthen us into building ourselves as the Quran generation and for our future generations too, may Allah guide us into engaging in useful activities in this life for the next and away from useless activities in this life against the next. ameen.

subhanakallahumma wabihamdika astaghfiruka wa atubu ilaik.

wassalam

what is this beautiful feeling

2011-12-22T14:21:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum wrb,

bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah! all praises and thanks belong to Allah, the Most Glorified, the Most Beautiful of names, the Most Merciful. all beauty, all power, all strength are all due to You.

sigh sigh sigh. happy sigh happy sigh happy sigh! i never thought i could feel like this. but i do. and i never expected to experience this feeling. but i am. You are ever so Kind, and I want to remember what You have done for me for the rest of my life and the next, and never cease to be in utter gratitude.

I don't know what I would do without You. i don't know what my life meant those years I didn't turn to You. and i ask of You please don't return me to that state of ignorance, because I couldn't bear another moment without this love.

many many many years it had been a one way street... and a conversation as if only with a wall... and many many many mistakes that i cannot begin to count... but You with Your mercy didn't give up on me... and again please make me forever in utter gratitude for this... and teach me to never lose hope on You as well.

Your love has led me to many more. although none compared to what You and i have. and i ask that You don't let anything ever exceed the love that I have for You. nevertheless they are amazing, please guide us continuously based on our love for You, make things easy for them, and please strengthen them all in whatever they are going through, only You know and You know best and I ask that they bring me much much much closer to You. because at the end of the day, that's all that really matters.

and you know what... sometimes words are not enough to describe what is in our hearts... there is no eloquence humanly possible to depict what the heart feels....

but of course... there is the Quran... where words actually cure and heal... where speech is the Most Powerful, Most Wise, Most Meaningful, Most Beautiful...

"Dan berpegang teguhlah kamu semuanya pada tali (agama) Allah, dan janganlah kamu bercerai berai, dan ingatlah nikmat Allah kepadamu ketika kamu dahulu (masa jahiliah) bermusuhan, lalu Allah mempersatukan hatimu, sehingga dengan karuniaNya kamu menjadi bersaudara, sedangkan (ketika itu) kamu berada di tepi jurang neraka, lalu Allah menyelamatkan kamu dari sana. Demikianlah, Allah menerangkan ayat-ayat Nya kepadamu agar kamu mendapat petunjuk."

(Ali Imran:103)

perfect perfect perfect. utter absolute perfection. Allahuakhbar. You are so great, and i ask that my heart is as strong as my speech in praising You. let my words be sincere that my heart feels it too. because i want to love you for the rest of my life and beyond. and i ask that You continue to grant me continuous guidance to cherish our relationship until that moment we finally meet and i ask You that it will be the best moment in my entire existence since the very start. :')

please forgive me for all the errors I have made. and may You be pleased with our families, and grant us Jannah ameen :D

wassalam.

don't limit this vast horizon

2011-11-30T11:20:00.001-08:00

assalamualaikum wrb dearest beloved to Allah,

bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah.. all praises and thanks belong to Allah Azza Wajal, Lord of all the worlds. we ask Allah, the Most Merciful, the Most Forgiving, to forgive all our sins, guide our hearts to true repentance and replace our sins with good deeds ameen. salutations upon Rasulullah SAW, our qudwah hasanah, the best example provided to mankind in every sense of the word.

as aforementioned, currently undertaking Masters and yet again, away from home. sometimes three years down the road just don't make it any easier. but i have conflicting feelings about this. i want to be home yet i don't want to leave this place. why? although i have some good amount of time before I finish the course, I can't help but feel that it's happening pretty quickly and if life proceeds, insyaAllah, I will soon leave the UK for a very long time, if not for good. most probably for good. but then we never really know. but for now, it's looking to be that way.

i miss home very much... i want to be home. and the feeling somewhat becomes stronger as we become bombarded with assignments after assignments... perhaps the exhaustion is inevitable. and sometimes maybe we experience some sort of a diminishing returns situation.

but hold on. our purpose being overseas is much more than earning an education certificate or qualification. don't limit the horizon. these years are our defining moments. our days away from home are us discovering ourselves, and finding our strengths and weaknesses, and being confused about life and at the same time, finding the answers to solve the puzzle about life and where we fit in life itself. these are the years that not everyone gets to live by, and if we don't realize what we're supposed to do with these years and how to come out of them, then I guess... what's the difference if we just stayed at home?

this is the time we should embrace. this is our youth. we don't have forever in this world. spend it right. being in a foreign land offers such vast opportunities for us to open our eyes, our hearts to something that we have been oblivious back at home with our golden plates (figure of speech really) and whatnot. the point of being here is not to come back with a piece of paper that you can bring to a company in exchange for money.

if we are here struggling for a cause, maybe we are on the right track. it depends on what cause we are on about. I for one, support for the one cause, that frees one from the torment of the world. for one cause, that will give your life a meaning that you will never find elsewhere. get connected to this cause. if you already are.. strengthen yourself in this cause. what cause may this be? you may just have to find it in your own manual.

i don't necessarily understand your struggles. but you know Who does. so get connected. these are the years, at least for me... that I have found Him and I ask Him to make me forever grateful and to keep me firm and steadfast in righteousness in His path and make us all live by the Quran and sunnah more and more each day until He is pleased with us all.

all that is good is completely from Allah, the Most Perfect. all that is not, is derived from my own ego and inadequacies. may Allah purify our intentions in everything that we do. may Allah increase our fervor to seek His knowledge to please Him and benefit the ummah. may Allah grant us sincerity in our speech and action. ameen.

i ask of your forgiveness for any offence I may have incurred and i seek forgiveness from Allah, for all the errors I have made. and all praises and thanks belong to Allah SWT, the Most Glorified, Most High.

wassalam

happy one year less

2011-11-23T13:29:00.001-08:00

Assalamualaikum wrb

bismillahirrahmanirrahim

alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah.. all praises and thanks belong to Allah, Most Merciful, Most Forgiving. we ask of Allah to forgive all of our sins and guide our hearts to true repentance and replace our sins with good deeds, ameen. complete greetings and salutations upon Prophet Muhammad SAW.

today i'm starting the age of 22. it feels surreal to have settled at early adulthood already masyaAllah! sometimes i still feel younger. but anyway increasing in age should remind us that we are one year less in this world and closer approaching the end. it may be a bit dark and gloomy and birthdays are supposed to be a joyous occasion, but I guess we shouldn't overdo it much.

they may say it's your day, they may say whatever you wanna do, it's your special day.

but if anything.. we should humble ourselves more. bow down to our Creator, Allah Azza Wajal, more. it is a day that we expect to be given, to receive.. but really, it is our day to give. to give not to just anyone... to give to Allah.. even though He doesn't need anything from us and regardless we give Him or not, it would not diminish Him. But what giving Him represents is our love for Him, our sacrifice against our desires for Him, our putting Him before anything else. our strive to put Allah as our number one. and on the day we increase in age, our submission to Him should only increase and fall more in love with Him, and instead of the day being about us.. it shall be about us being a better slave to the Lord of all the worlds, Allah Azza Wajal, than yesterday.

i am a weak slave, and i have nothing to show for, so please don't judge me. and don't think of me as high either. my character and status is for Him to judge and in this case, i can only strive to be a better slave, so maybe today is a start. insyaAllah. and may you and I be on the path of istiqomah. ameen.

may Allah equip us the best of things in this dunia for the best of things in the Akhirat, may Allah help us to earn His love and pleasure, may Allah resurrect us with Prophet Muhammad SAW and the righteous ones in the Hereafter, may Allah be pleased with us all and our parents and families, and may Allah keep us firm, sincere and steadfast in His path and may Allah choose us to live and die carrying the legacy of Rasulullah SAW.

i ask of your forgiveness and may we be more forgiving to each other for His sake. and all that is good is completely from Allah Azza Wajal, the Most Knowing, the Most Merciful. and all that is flawed is derived from my own inadequacies and ego.

p.s: thank you so much for all the well wishes, for the remembrance and the doas. may Allah bless us all dunia Akhirat and may Allah guide us continuously to righteousness and His pleasure and may Allah accept all our good deeds and may Allah include us amongst those who He is pleased with and grant us Jannah ameen.

wassalam

the struggle

2011-11-03T13:21:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum wrb

bismillahirrahmanirrahim

all praises and thanks belong to Allah, most Merciful, most Forgiving. may Allah forgive all of our sins, and guide our hearts to true repentance. and complete greetings upon our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW.

there are a lot of times that i wish i hadn't done that

there are a lot of times that i wish i hadn't said that

there are a lot of times that i wish i hadn't thought that

maybe i feel sorry today. and then somehow forget about it. and lose the temptation and feel sorry again. and always, one thing that comes to mind is character.

that's what it boils down to, isn't it? good character that is built upon the need and want to please Allah and the fear to displease Him. and i know it doesn't take one day, one week, one month... one year maybe who knows... i guess i'll just keep going... even if i'm failing... it's better to die struggling for His sake, rather than live without struggle for no sake.

whoever you may be, i ask for your forgiveness, for whatever i may have done or said or thought that was negative towards you, whether consciously or otherwise.

may Allah give us all the strength to fight our nafs, and may Allah protect us all from all evils of iblis and syaitan and may Allah forgive all of our sins and make our hearts pure from evil until we meet Him in a state where He is pleased with us and we are also pleased with Him ameen.

:')

back again.

2011-09-20T03:54:00.000-07:00

assalamualaikum wrb,

bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

i was going to type my rant on twitter but the 140 characters limit put me off and i was like "oh ya i have another outlet for that!" why is it that, everytime i feel like on rant mode, my sarcasm antenna starts to become activated =.= i'll try to... not to.

anyways, alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah, i've graduated, did i not mention that, yeah my posts have been reduced to only a few times a year. so epic. that word is coming back into my dictionary, not really, that'd be the first time it has crept up again. i actually wanted to write a graduation post, i always thought it'd be perfect to frame into words but it didn't really happen. nonetheless, i am in utter gratitude that i managed to pass the stage because it wasn't very easy and all the strength that I came through it all with was all due to Allah alone.

so now i am about to pursue masters. again.. masyaAllah.. i didn't really want to in the beginning but I thought if I'd get it, then I'd take it as a sign from Allah that i'd be able to do it, insyaAllah. but the feeling is a bit surreal to start classes again. having to adjust with being feeling foreign. and all of it. although i know that there is no time for this anxiety, what there is time for is excitement and immense gratitude that Allah is actually taking me to a place that is incredibly generous, alhamdulillah.

but i must say. it doesn't get that much easier to leave my family. it doesn't get that much easier to say goodbye, even if it'll be only for a while. but i do want to go. i think this one year abroad again is a stage for me to develop and grow some more, and Allah knows how incompetent I am.

i guess i know the road ahead isn't going to be a smooth one, maybe i'm afraid of that, i'm only human. but as a slave of Allah, i am entitled to challenges and struggle. and all i can say as of right now is come what may, my Lord, o Allah, Most Knowing, stay with me, strengthen me and protect me, and may You guide us all to Jannah, ameen ya Rabb.

and let this journey commence again... for the sake of Allah, here we come.

may Allah forgive us all. greetings upon our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW.

- the tone of this rant has tremendously turned around a lot, masyaAllah... suddenly transformed into a tazkirah for me heh -

it takes character to...

2011-09-18T12:41:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum wrb,

bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah. all praises and thanks belong to Allah, the Most Merciful, the Most Compassionate, the Most Forgiving. We ask Allah, Al-Ghafur, to forgive all of our sins, to delete them all and replace them with good deeds. complete greetings and salutations upon our Prophet Muhammad SAW, a great leader who proves to be timeless in his teachings which we profess to be his loyal followers.

i would like to share something that i have recently learnt a lesson from; albeit slightly painful nonetheless a great reminder. It is of the importance of good character. I feel like I haven't spent a lot of time developing my character consciously; as in I never gave it that much thought, character was something I left to be a natural process of my surroundings. but no. we are in control of how our character develops, in many ways.

character is actually a product of faith. iman is something on the inside, something that cannot be detected by the naked eye and very delicate we don't really know whether it's there or not in most cases. therefore it needs something of a proof, something of an evidence. and that is character that is derived from the state of one's iman. i never really thought about it, i almost thought these two things were separate, but now it makes the most sense. character is how we carry ourselves hence how other people tend to see us, and if it is good that we carry then most likely it will be highly infectious. good character allows us to treat people as how we would like ourselves to be treated. it protects us from selfishness and provides us with love for Allah and His creations. it improves our relationship with our families and friends; it softens hearts and enables us to avoid hate and conflict.

but if otherwise, it will leave a very bad stench not just on ourselves but on other people as well.

i guess what i'm trying to say is we need to start giving a lot of weight to this because we look at our society and what is wrong with it? why have we succumbed to our Muslim youth living just like the non Muslim youth? why are we not sensitive to our lack of understanding of our deen? why are we selling our souls for pleasure that lasts 5 minutes? where is our character, the God fearing character that shields us from these illnesses? it is time that we look at the mirror not for the sake of making sure we look great, but to look at who's really looking back at us and what do we really see underneath the facade of whatever it is that we hide in.

we wreck our brains analysing the causes of world wars, financial crisis, why there are newborn babies in the dustbins and so many other catastrophes. well sure, there is a long list of factors but come to think of it... if there was good character, people would not have allowed to satisfy their desires in the expense of others.

i am in not any place to determine good character for anyone, this piece of reminder is not supposed to target anyone but myself. when we think about improving character, stop ourselves from thinking about others, think about our own. think deeply about this and the impact of character can actually change a lot of things. Rasulullah SAW, was a man of the best character possible for a human being, and by the mercy of Allah first and foremost, this man is responsible for every good that we follow, in which he was a teacher to all mankind. the sahabah such as Umar al Khattab... subhanAllah... a character like his if possessed by some of today's world's leaders, today's problems would probably never have existed. Umar was an extra ordinary man: he was known as a very strict leader, because he didn't fear anyone but at the same time, he was gentle... because he feared Allah :') outstanding character, masyaAllah.

this is what we should strive for, my beloved sisters and respected brothers. let's build good character upon good character until we become such a formidable force. there is no greater recipe to fight against all evils and the likes, than the God-fearing character. and God fearing really means someone who fears to displease Allah. subhanAllah, may Allah protect me from ill intentions and may Allah forgive all of our sins and may Allah purify our hearts and strengthen our character for His sake, and His sake only, Allahumma ameen.

sometimes the reality is not as complicated as we make it to be. when we work to build a solid foundation, everything else will stand strong come what may, it will not waver. life is a promise of difficulty and struggle, we cannot escape any of it, but what we can do is to ask Allah for strength to stand above it all until we successfully meet Him in a state where He is pleased with us and we are also pleased Him, insyaAllah. and good character is not defined by words no matter how beautiful: good character is not someone who talks about goodness, it is someone who does goodness.

Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying:

Verily Allah does not look to your faces and your wealth but He looks to your heart and to your deeds.

{Book 032, Chapter 8, Number 6221 : Sahih Muslim}

Sahih Bukhari volume 4, book 56, number 759:

narrated 'abdullah ibn 'amr:

The Prophet never used bad language neither a "Fahish nor a Mutafahish. He used to say "The best amongst you are those who have the best manners and character."

Malik Muwatta Book 47, Number 47.1.8:

Yahya related to me from Malik that he had heard that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "I was sent to perfect good character."

all that is good is completely due to Allah's beauty and anything that is flawed is derived from my ego and inadequacies. greetings upon our beloved Rasulullah SAW.

wassalam.

Ramadan reflections

2011-08-22T20:31:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh sisters and brothers dearest to Allah,

all praises and thanks belong to Allah, Most Merciful, Most Forgiving.. may Allah forgive all of our sins and help us to maximise our remaining Ramadan ameen ya rabb. complete salutations upon our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW.

i know it's been a long time since... i have attempted to write quite a number of times but they just didn't seem to work out. so anyway yesterday i experienced my first iftar out this year's Ramadan... and the moment I came there, the place was so buzzed and packed with people and food in hands. and then as I took a seat and got a view of the whole place in front of me, I was struck by this reality. I thought to myself.. "is this the reality of our people?" when in other parts of the world, so many children are dying of starvation, so many people are celebrating freedom out of oppression, so many people are still suffering in oppression and we were spending some of the last 30 minutes of our fast of the day filling plates after plates even though our stomach can barely cope with them.

i was just telling my friends the other day that food is treated like a natural resource. and to the extent that we have food like it's an infinite resource too. we just don't know how we can ever run out, there's just always food. and there's just always more.. food. now, we must appreciate that this is all from Allah... and we must give all praises and thanks to Allah for providing us with so much food and may this blessing make us closer to Him and not otherwise. but in this holy month of Ramadan, the point of it is not to embrace more food, we did that so much already for the other 11 months... are we not willing to take this break to discover that we have so much more to explore within ourselves outside our nafs... when will we spend the last 30 minutes of our fast of the day just being intimate with Allah, and praying that it wouldn't be our last fast... praying that we will wake up to another Ramadan... praying profusely that He forgives all of our sins... when will we break away from our luxury and go back to our reality?

we are still in Ramadan... i know and i believe there is something in all of our hearts that are dying to be fed. i believe in all of us so much that we are able to reconnect with Allah in ways that we didn't know we were capable of... i believe in all of us so much that we can change for the better. i believe wayyy more.. much that Allah will make ease for those who want to seek His pleasure sincerely...

And those who strive in Our (cause),- We will certainly guide them to our Paths: For verily Allah is with those who do right. (29:69)

none of this was intended to offend anybody, it is just a piece of reminder if we may benefit from it... and it is for me, first and foremost, who is constantly struggling to battle against the nafs. may Allah forgive all of our sins. may Allah help us to maximise our remaining Ramadan and seek to be closer to Him ameen ya Rabb. please forgive any of my shortcomings reflected in this piece of reminder. and greetings upon Rasulullah SAW.

salaam.

"your mother, your mother and your mother"

2011-05-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

assalamualaikum wrb

masyaAllah how long have i left this place in silence. at this point i feel as though as i am shouting in the woods, hearing my own echo. anyways today is a significant day. well it is a personally significant day as it marks my mother's birthday in which she would have been 51. and she left when she was 32... just almost two decades that would make. wow. just as how long i have been here too, about two decades and a few years.

if you have been following my posts over the years, you would have come to find that i have spoken about my late mother a few times. and i really don't have enough memories of her... yet i feel like i could write endlessly about her. losing somebody, losing my mom is tragic of course, but maybe in a non making sense way, i somehow feel that being where i am today, we never did truly lose her. i can't say it articulately but sometimes I feel as though as Allah has kept her within ourselves, and it feels like a million dollars. and even that is limiting its true value. and i'm realizing all of this as I am writing this. subhanAllah.

i feel it's important that i remember her birthday like this, it's important that i recognize that whatever happens, for as long as i live, there is a part of her that will never die with me, and with my sister, my brother and especially my father. i think he's the one who has suffered the most pain of losing her, i can't even fathom it and he hides it so well. but occasionally... he lends himself to the emotion and i see it. and i feel it for a few seconds and i think that he's so strong. in which he could have only been provided for, by Allah alone... masyaAllah.

she was amazing. i know that much. and what i would give to kiss her hand and kiss her feet. and tell her that i love her for the sake of Allah. and i have nothing to reserve but constant doa for her. may Allah be kind to her, may Allah forgive all of her sins, may Allah be pleased with her and may Allah grant her eternal bliss, that is Jannah.

this emotional sharing of this incredibly personal intimate matter might not always be within my comfort zone but may this be a reminder for us all how we should appreciate more of our parents. they are our world, afer Allah and His Messenger SAW...

"And We have enjoined upon man (care) for his parents. His mother carried him, (increasing her) in weakness upon weakness and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the (final) destination." (31:14)

i don't need to know anything else, for her sacrifice to bring me into this world with His mercy first and foremost, i owe her eternally for which i will never be able to fulfil in repayment but Allah can, may Allah reward her with the best of rewards and His pleasure. Allahumma ameen. Al-Fatihah.

the consequences of wanting

2011-02-25T01:16:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum wrb brothers and sisters of whom Allah loves,

bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

want is so easy. because of that, our wants are limitless. and sometimes we fail to appreciate the difference between what we want and what we need, but save that for another post insyaAllah, or even better somebody else who has better insight to share. anyway so, most times, we often think that the thing that constrains us from translating what we want to we can have is the monetary aspect. or non-monetary factors, anything such as that you have no means to get it basically.

but like stated earlier, wanting is so easy. I can want anything I want... but it just means the desire. what is actually difficult is the if I may say, the consequences of wanting. have you ever thought that the reason why you don't have a lot of the things you want is because you're just not ready for theconsequences of wanting? for instance, if I want to be the richest and most powerful person in the world... easy... but do I really have what it takes to become one? To become the richest and most powerful person in the world would not be as easy as one would think... think of Nabi Sulaiman... he had the whole world in his command, by the will and mercy of Allah SWT... He was a very noble man with a very thick iman and taqwa to have not be affected by the wealth and power Allah has given him. and on the other side of the coin, think of Firaun. He had so much in his disposal, yet he was consumed by arrogance and ego he actually convinced himself that he was perfect. So now think again, if we want to be the rich and powerful... which road will we take, Allah knows, we can't even say... and to be honest, the thought is incredibly terrifying.

So I mean, that was probably an extreme example of wanting to be rich and powerful and all, and a lot of our wants might be more middle range than that... who knows, Allah does.. but that's the point you know. We all want all these things, but do we really have what it takes to have them? So at the end of the day, don't be too absorbed with things that you want and take the time to appreciate at what you already have... because at what we already have are responsibilities for us to maintain... and Allah knows until where our capabilities stretch.

Although I'm not saying, stop wanting anything... that'd be silly. But rather you know when we start wanting to have something, let us also ask Allah if we are capable of owning it once He does give it to us. Because really, everything leads to either one or the other; His pleasure or His displeasure.. and I can really speak for everyone when I say that we obviously crave and strive for the former, insyaAllah... so yeah... before becoming hasty about wanting all different things in this life... small or big... a change in the world or whatever it may be... just ask ourselves... are we ready? and really, ultimately, the only thing that constrains us from having what we want... is whether Allah wants to give it to us or not. Forget everything else, He is the source. so really, whatever it is we want in life for now or after, just ask Him straight, ask Him first and He'll either say "yes" or "I got something way better for you" :') Wallahua'lam, Allah knows best. His wisdom is unquestionable and we surrender to His decree, because He is our Creator, and He knows best!

and insyaAllah, I will conclude with sharing Allah's words, the best and the most beautiful speech there is, that is indisputable and completely perfect:

Allah does not impose upon any soul a duty but to the extent of its ability; for it is (the benefit of) what it has earned and upon it (the evil of) what it has wrought: Our Lord! do not punish us if we forget or make a mistake; Our Lord! do not lay on us a burden as Thou didst lay on those before us, Our Lord do not impose upon us that which we have not the strength to bear; and pardon us and grant us protection and have mercy on us, Thou art our Patron, so help us against the unbelieving people (2:286)

He will not give us anything that we can't handle :') Think about this for a second... not just in the form of hardship and struggle, but even for the 'good' things... you know? there are so many dimensions one can relate to with this ayat depending on our personal experiences and understanding and such, but let me just take one of mine; like for another instance, an example of a collective want (as opposed to the earlier instance of individual want for wealth and power) if we really want to change the state of the ummah, to help this sinking ship, we gotta be ready, we gotta be prepared... until Allah knows that we can handle it. there are so many lessons that can be extracted in this one ayat... and we'd be foolish to turn a blind heart against the most beautiful speech, given to especially us.

all that is good has come from the beauty and mercy of Allah Azza Wajalla, and all that is incomplete, imperfect, flawed and misleading is from my limited knowledge and incapacity, please forgive me for what might have caused offence to you. may Allah protect me from wrong and misguided intentions of this post. may Allah guide us with His light and place the most sincere love for and fear of Him in our hearts, may we be the people who execute the deen of Islam in action and not just through mere words, insyaAllah ameen.

Salam.

labels

2010-12-10T13:47:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,

bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

i hope that this post finds you in the best state of iman and taqwa, and may I also benefit from such, for somebody who lacks the qualities the most.. anyway I hope Allah will help me to articulate my thoughts in a way that will help us to understand.

for some reason(s), my mind has been wandering to the world of labelling. i think the word defines itself, so let me just get into the context of it, if I may. it's pretty inevitable that we live in a world of stereotypes and labels, people are grouped and pigeon holed into certain categories and yeah that's just the way people seem to think.

and people can be so mean about it. once the label is established, other people get into it and probably stay away from those being labelled. and this just sorts of create some kind of social enmity. i don't know, these terms are probably not legit, but take em with a pinch of salt, i'm still trying to figure out how exactly i'm going to get to my point (EDIT: well be aware that my eloquence is of shortage and what comes ahead is incredibly vague but still hoping you will get it insyaAllah).

what we know is that labels are there, just to... i don't know, so people can identify with or against. and they're inevitable, we can't help how people think. but we can help how we react to it. so many people get caught up with ready-made labels that they become afraid to discover themselves in fear of being included in these so called labels. but try to just stay away from them, when we label people, we should think of how it would be like for us to know that we are being labelled ourselves?

but far more significantly.. don't use this argument to be such a rebel either. be a standout, be against the mainstream, whatever.. but if you're just using this to convince yourself that your choices are okay, and that you are fine with the way you are... forget about everything else. and go back to basics. and what is that, you may ask? it is our relationship with Allah, our Master and we, as His slaves. if labels hinder us from improving this relationship, we might want to consider about a label He might place upon us. and if labels disguise our denial, that we don't have to be like all the other good people out there, as long as Allah knows what are in our hearts, we might want to stop finding loopholes in His words and ask for guidance to discover our true fitrah, and not the one that has been influenced by external factors, of which only ourselves can define what they are.

sorry if i have caused any offence in my choice of words, not of my intentions insyaAllah and of course if this serves as a reminder, it should only apply to me first and foremost. and if even for one split second, you may benefit from this, Alhamdulillah, it can only be claimed by Allah Azza Wajalla.

salam.

please don't wait when you can want it.

2010-10-26T14:27:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabaraktuh,

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

you know how we generally in most cases hate waiting? we just don't like the process. be it waiting for our parents to pick us from school or waiting for the queue for our meds or waiting for our exam results. we always just prefer things that are now because well, later requires waiting and did I already mention that we don't like that?

right.. but what are we doing waiting now? generally we often think that we haven't embraced our relationship with Allah in ways that we should because we haven't had "turning points". it's like i know it's out there but i'll just wait for it to come find me. oh so now we wait, so now we want to wait? when waiting is not required? when this kind of waiting does not actually teach us about patience?

subhanAllah, has Allah not provided us with eyes so we shall SEE THE TRUTH, has He not provided us with ears so we shall HEAR THE TRUTH and has He not provided us with hearts so we shall FEEL THE TRUTH?

Has the time not come for those who have believed that their hearts should become humbly submissive at the remembrance of Allah and what has come down of the truth? And let them not be like those who were given the Scripture before, and a long period passed over them, so their hearts hardened; and many of them are defiantly disobedient. (57:16)

subhanAllah, no better, no greater words than His.. so I ask myself before anyone else... can I really wait? Is waiting even an option here? If so, until when? Until the hearts hardens? Time is not ours so how can we afford this expense?

Know that Allah gives life to the earth after its lifelessness. We have made clear to you the signs; perhaps you will understand. (57:17)

subhanAllah... how merciful is He. He gives us hope.. if we no longer wait, we can unlock our hearts by repenting, insyaAllah.. don't ever lose hope in the mercy of Allah, if we're really done with waiting and actually want to come to the truth...

And those who strive for Us - We will surely guide them to Our ways. And indeed, Allah is with the doers of good. (29:69)

subhanAllah! :') waiting is not in question here, it is a matter of wanting. so replace your I with a N and ask and be sure that He will give it to those who sincerely want it. and He is the All Knowing. subhanAllah..

may Allah forgive me for any wrong intentions of this post and all that erred are due to my flaws and all that are good are of nothing mine to claim but Allah. and as always and should be, speaking to myself before anyone else. Salam.

we are not the writer, we are the characters.

2010-10-02T17:37:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahiwabarakatuh,

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

i've been having some of what a hard time trying to get this post written, but i hope this won't come out forced or mandatory but i just feel like writing some words for the past 3 months. hmmm... well yeah, that's the problem, i don't know how to start. maybe... i will just... say...

alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah for everything that has transpired throughout the past 3 months, whatever good, whatever bad, that had been decreed upon me and I just would like to say that it has been the best summer yet. I have discovered some of my strengths that did not come without acknowledging my weaknesses. Some of which I am aware of, others that I might not be. the pieces on the road ahead i anticipate to be some sweet, some sour, some tasteless, some bitter, some spicy, i don't know whatever else may come, i hope to always find the strength to endure them by remembering my true purpose first and foremost as His slave and insyaAllah, everything else that comes within the territory. and as always heavy hearted to leave home but insyaAllah will take comfort in the trust that I shall place upon Allah to take care of those I'm leaving. and hope to come back with... something... someone better, to put it simply. I'll say it again... this summer has been some of what the best gifts that He has ever given me. subhanAllah, alhamdulillah.

I have to say thank you, jazakamullahu khair to those who has been a part of my beautiful summer and most importantly, the lessons and memories that I managed to gain from all of you, subhanAllah, there is certainly no price for them. and of course, sorry to those I have not spent enough time with, I don't know what else to say but insyaAllah if He wills, then He wills, in the future, who knows? I believe completely that whatever has happened is written as the best for each and everyone of us, so there should no be what ifs. as that would also lead to whispers of syaitan. nauzubillah. so everything else aside, i hope to be able to find the strength to not be neither sad nor afraid. falaa khawfun alaihim walaa hum yahzanuun :) insyaAllah.

subhanAllah, incredible. if i just remember some of the things that has had happened... it's not one of those "felt like yesterday" moments because i recall so many things that has happened, they really did take place within 3 months hehe. not to say that all were good, but life is all about ups and downs, as cliche as it sounds, but we really need to be reminded of what matters most all the time, true? anyway, when theory translates into pratice is when real life begins ;)

all that are good are of nothing of mine to claim but Allah, and others that are not good are derived from my own inadequacies, insyaAllah. and where ever it is that we go, doesn't really matter, because what is more important, is the lessons that we are able to take and keep from the place and use them towards building us up as whoever we want to be and ultimately remembering our true purpose; 2:30, 51:56. read and reflect, speaking to myself before anyone else as the weakest of His slaves.

don't stop after why for we should not rest after we know the how.

2010-08-24T19:06:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum warahmatullah,

i read this entry on igotitcovered.org that was posted by a dear sister on Facebook (may Allah reward her for her good heart to share) and out of all hijabi stories I have read, this one really inspired me and made me feel really small. Alhamdulillah. may Allah reward the sister who wrote the article plenty, insyaAllah ameen. it was heartfelt and sincere how she spoke about what hijab represented to her and it made me think about what hijab means to me. I don't know, I can't say I have never thought about it, but what I mean is that I didn't really think about it in such a depth that come to think of it... might just be necessary.

hijab was only something that was quite recently attached to me, meaning for most of my life it was not something I paid much attention to, regretfully so. but alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, Allah has shed me some light and allowed for me to realize the reality of it.on some occasions, I might have carried some guilt over not wearing it but most probably due to some sort ofpressure in context or generally the question of why don't I have it on when every other girl has it on. I developed some rationale over the years to somewhat validate my choice of not wearing hijab; amongst of which are "I don't wanna wear it just because I have to", "I'm not really ready yet", etc. Astaghfirullahalazim. How merciful is He to have granted me with chances after chances to improve myself? subhanAllah.

I basically just did not understand it - the severe need to comply to Allah's words in terms of hijab just did not register to me at that time. Astaghfirullahalazim. I never really read the tafseer of the Quran so I obviously did not think about 24:31. I knew that it was wajib to wear hijab but I did not understand that it was wajib. Knowing is different than knowing and understanding, wouldn't you agree? And I have previously heard of horror stories about the wrath of Allah towards women who do not obey the hijab and it made me shudder and scared... but maybe only for a few minutes. I vaguely remember now when I was first introduced to this ayat and it made me ponder, it made me feel uneasy to hear those words ONLY because the guilt was more imminent after reading 24:31 - previously it had been people telling me about tudung and also because I grew up in Brunei so it was something I sorta knew as part of the package in Islam for women. But hearing 24:31 was different, as if hearing them from Allah as those are from Him, those are not the words people tell me, those are the words my Creator chose to speak to me as a woman and dare I neglect them? Although I didn't wear hijab right away, but that ayat, subhanAllah, jazakallah to a fellow slave of Allah who shared with me it, was not only eye-opening, I think it was heart-poking, in the sense where it made me think and it made me remember He who I have forgotten since a long time. subhanAllah.

Cut story short, when I started praying 5 times a day, I used to not really think about what Allah thought about me for a slave who prostates to Him five times a day yet does not cover herself because I was still in denial. But one day, I started to wear it, I'm not sure, I can't recall what was my niat back then, only Allah knows and may He forgive me if it was not for Him solely. and Alhamdulillah, He has given me chances after chances to enable me to arrive at today. I have to admit that my perception about hijab is nowhere near perfect and very flawed even as I am discovering the beauty of it gradually, insyaAllah. But for what I already know and feel, I will share...

I come from Allah, first and foremost and which makes me His slave and Him, my Master. So for every word He orders upon me, I cannot question, I can only run to obey until He is pleased with me. I come from Allah, first and foremost and which makes everything that defines me physically, mentally and spiritually also from Him will so dare I not take care of my physical, mental and spirit in the ways He told me to? I come from Allah, first and foremost, and which makes my body simply a loan from Him, so dare I say that I have liberty to do anything I want with it regardless of His orders for me to specifically take care of it? I come from Allah, first and foremost, and which makes everything that I have come from Him so how can I not feel syukur and pay my gratitude in ways that I am capable of? subhanAllah, only Allah knows how much I lack in these areas, and I speak here to remind myself before anybody else, as the weakest slave of Allah :'( and Allah knows that even today, I have not fulfilled 24:31 completely, it only means I have to try better. But Alhamdulillah for what He has willed me today, subhanAllah, for nothing would have been possible for me without Him.

And I am gradually learning that hijab is not just about covering my hair or other parts of my body. It's everything necessary to protectourselves from the dangerous gaze of the world upon us, to guard what Allah has kindly lent us, to sabotage the misleading perception about women and inferiority. Hijab is not oppression, hijab is our act of free will to obey our Lord, and we shall not be seen weak with it because hijab is strength. The sister on the blog spoke about this and I was enthralled by her expression of it, subhanAllah. I want to discover what she expressed as strength not through words but in a way that words cannot suffice. It is strength that it symbolizes and it is ad-deen hijab significantly represents. it is not fashion, it is not style, it is not simply outer beauty, it is not a trend, it is not to be made cheaply, it is modesty, security and our commitment to Allah, more than anything.

Personally, I think with this hijab, I feel like a different person, hopefully not primarily because of the physical differences but more importantly, how my heart has been affected by it. Allah knows, how much more I need to do so I can only pray to ask for His constant guidance because I would know no other way to walk towards the righteous path, insyaAllah. And like a friend has recently brought up in her status update, Hanisah AB baby ;), with the hijab comes a great responsibility... it has to reflect our deen and so we have to make it an excellent deen in order to show those who have not seen. it is shameful to think of, even until now, how I have not lived up sufficiently to the image... my actions and behavior sometimes or maybe most times, do not match the dignity and modesty that are attached to hijab. so these are the rooms of improvement that I shall explore and this facilitates the essence of why every one of us should ask ourselves what it means to cover ourselves for the sake of Allah. it is great if we have already established that we are wearing hijab for Allah and in pursuit of His pleasure and forgiveness. But that is only a portion of the reality which is why? Now, maybe it's the time to explore the how. And to be honest, this process will never end until we leave this dunia, but we have to only keep trying to the best of our capabilities, insyaAllah. Wallahua'lam. And forget we not, Ramadhan in the best platform to improve ourselves :)) and it is here now, what are we waiting for?

Please forgive me for anything that I might have caused you to be offended for any criticism that has surfaced is directed to me alone for the sake of attaining humility, that I constantly lack and know that all mistakes are derived from my own inadequancies whilst all the good that you might be able to take here is undoubtedly nothing of mine to claim but Allah. more importantly, may Allah protect me from wrong intentions of this post. Ramadhan Kareem :)

"And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband's fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers or their brothers' sons, or their sisters' sons, or their women, or the slaves whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex; and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O ye Believers! turn ye all together towards Allah, that ye may attain Bliss." (24:31)

the pursuit of happyness

2010-08-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

assalamualaikum

bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

to begin this with a question of what is happiness is not quite easy, because I feel that it is a question that cannot be entailed with a few words, it can only be felt in one's heart, as tacky as that may sound, aint that the truth? I mean I will say happiness is what and what, but they would convey nothing unless the heart feels it too, insyaAllah. and furthermore, happiness is not something that of a constant, its definitions varies according to what the heart desires, innit? and it does not just vary amongst different people, it varies within the same person across time. about 15 years ago, happiness to me was probably candy and chocolates and cartoons and now, happiness to me are... well different.

for more than a long time, I have been under the impression much of happiness lies within what is in reach meaning... what this world can offer me. be it: great education that spurs onto great career which spins more to great money which ultimately leads to great life! and of course maybe slip in a lot of family and friends and love into some of that great equation and tadaa, happiness at its best! what more can the heart desire after all that greatness maxed into such a wonderful package of love and success?

what has probably led me to this point was the lack of accuracy and vagueness in definitions of happy in the first place. in retrospective, i think my heart was insulted by me not asking and referring to it when i was busy searching for happiness. i mean it is after all what it desired and i was fooled for such a long time to ignore its whispers and instincts, instead i listened to lust and lust and lust. astaghfirullahalazim. but now one might ask, what is it that this heart desires?

"Those who believed (in the Oneness of Allah - Islamic Monotheism) and whose hearts find rest in the remembrance of Allah, verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest." (13:28)

subhanAllah :') our hearts long for this. and I've had the audacity to ignore this calling for such a long time, astaghfirullah. do we not remember that our hearts belong to who? Allah! He owns our hearts, we are borrowers and think what we have been doing to it... something that was given to us in a pure state of white, now has become a dark state of matter :'( what have we been feeding our hearts with instead of zikr and the likes of those Allah is pleased with... how would we be able to feel true happiness if we have been feeding it with so much of worldly desires? how would we be able to breach the distance between ourselves and our Creator if we want more of the world and less of the hereafter? why do we not realize that worldly happiness is ever so temporary - when will we realize that it will never be sufficient to attend our heart that is craving for the remembrance of Allah in its nature?

do I get it? do I see it? do I feel it? that happiness of the purest kind is only associated to the remembrance of my Rabb? because it's the only kind that never fades. i feel happy when i have money but money diminishes sooner or later. i feel happy when i'm with family and friends but they also disappear sooner or later. i feel happy when i get new shoes/clothes but they too depreciate sooner or later. i feel happy when i remember Allah and this is the most sure thing ever, which is that, this happiness will never diminish or disappear or depreciate.

remembrance of Allah is associated with being constantly conscious that He is watching our every move so we would be so scared to displease Him and would always try our best to do things that pleases Him. we find happiness when we pray with our hearts for the sake of Allah. we find happiness when we love our parents for the sake of Allah. we find happiness when we seek knowledge for the sake of Allah. we find happiness when we bathe, eat and sleep for the sake of Allah. this happiness is simplicity if you think about it, how every single daily routine that we have been engulfed in for most of our lives can be done in better ways by remembering Allah and intending them to please Him. subhanAllah :') islam is indeed a way of life. happiness is islam. happiness is when the heart cannot be separated from the Quran and Sunnah. happiness is to love Allah and Rasulallah SAW more than anything else. believe, believe and believe that this happiness will never fade and can only appreciate in value when taken care of greatly, insyaAllah.

so seek this happiness. ask for this happiness from none other than Allah. hold onto this happiness tight. and what's so special about this happiness, as if we need any more convincing?

"Behold verily on the friends of Allah there is no fear, nor shall they grieve" (10:62)

there is only one that we should fear always, that is Allah and there is only one that we should grieve over always- the sins that we have committed. and if we're happy because we remember Allah hence it would be easier to trust in Allah so whatever this world throws at us, why fear, why be sad? for things that are regarded as worldly? to completely hold onto the fact that Allah is sufficient for us, that's happiness. and check your heart now, what does it feel?

Narrated Abu Musa radiallahuanh: The Prophet SAW said "the example of the one who remembers (glorifies the Praises of) his Lord (Allah), in comparison to the one who does not remember (glorify the Praises of) his Lord, is that of a living creature compared to a dead one."

(Sahih Al-Bukhari 8/6407)

p.s: all that are good are completely derived from Allah and the flaws that are evident are only from my own inadequacies, sorry for such and may Allah bless us dunia Akhirat insyaAllah and if anything, i'm speaking to myself before anyone, check our hearts, check what it wants, and don't be fooled by the whispers of iblis and syaitan (14:22), and seek remembrance of Allah and please take full advantage of the upcoming Ramadhan, insyaAllah, for it is an opportunity like none other. wallahu'alam.

learn to let go with ease of those which are not lasting.

2010-07-30T14:25:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum,

wow how much has time gone by... just makes more sense how temporary this world is, innit? (apehhh ter innit, innit) anyway yeah but insyaAllah, summertime has been exceptionally kind to me... well actually Allah has been exceptionally kind to me, despite the downs I have received since I came back, the ups insyaAllah and alhamdulillah are sufficient not to weigh me down :) wow so merciful kan our Rabb :')

it's just amazing you know, when you take some time to truly think about the outlook of your life since you entered this Earth. and start to acknowledge how wonderful the journey has been, despite some bitter we might have had to swallow along the road, how you have reached to the current path and then wow... seriously, how did I get here? and then it hits how Allah was the one who has been taking care of me all this time and it's MINDBLOWING. how can I neglect that feeling of love and care; the greatest one can ever give to me, one that is not capable by humans? subhanAllah. it's just really crazy amazing when we start realizing how much Allah has taken care of us... especially us who have led relatively easier lives compared to those in Palestine, Iraq, Rwanda, etc. Obviously it's not that Allah did not take care of them just because they led difficult lives, Allah is all the more Knowing so ofcourse we don't have definite answers but all we have to surrender is that we do not know anything except that He has willed us to know, and He knows everything. Even more so, Allah has plans for everyone and surrender more to the fact that He is the best planner of everything and what Allah has decided for each and every one of us is THE BEST OUTCOME, whether it's to our liking or otherwise. take comfort that whatever it is, Allah loves us all, He never harms us, it is ourselves who harm us. subhanAllah.. (check 2:216, 255)

alhamdulillah.. so today will be the last day of attachment, insyaAllah and i have to say that i walk out completely with different perspectives and feelings relative to my last post which was my first day :') it has been a really great experience, met really lovely people and just all around very incredible and sweet the whole thing has been. the working environment was different to what I have been previously exposed to and it's refreshing to be honest. it would have been pretty ideal and sweet and swell if all of us end up working at the same office nanti hehe , but I guess you just have to let some things go when it's time, right? insyaAllah. and insyaAllah this last day will do well also for all 13 of us :') may Allah bless us interns dunia Akhirat insyaAllah, ameen!

oh well praying for more productivity in the path of Allah of course and let us count our days to Ramadhan!!! wowowowow, mudahan Allah pertemukan kami dengan bulan yang paling siuk niiii ameen, insyaAllah. i can't wait for what presents Allah has in store for us this Ramadhan :'))) all praises be to Allah, indeed. all strengths and capabilities are derived from His might and nothing and absolutely nothing is from me :')

what this.. dear octopus has no auspice

2010-07-12T06:26:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum brothers and sisters yang dirahmati Allah!

very the break my language are it not, the title, but i want to mime a rhyme wawawawa :p

*INSERT VIRTUAL SMILE* :)))))))

i know i'm not usually that chirpy virtual or non-virtual but smiling is definitely something we all need to do more, sunnah kali ahhhhhhhh. so i hope that you all are in a good state of iman and health, insyaAllah. and i know this place is beginning to seem dusty with the lack of updates or even substance, I have a lot of things that I want to write about for months, seriously, but somehow I don't have the articulateness to translate them into words yet. Indeed all my strengths come from my Creator, thus I am weak without my Rabb :) subhanAllah..

i'm starting work attachment today, in about two hours or so! eeeeeeeeeeeek. very i don't look forward to but kalau sudah Allah pilih ana untuk melaluinya, kena perbetulkan niat dan buat KERANA ALLAH first and foremost, insyaAllah. i very the needs to pep talk myself always so i can be in high spirits, mudahan antum semua juga dapat manfaat dari membacanya, insyaAllah. but i will very muchos miss free days and time to go meet friends :) subhanAllah, one of the BEST parts of my holiday. i cannot say it enough how mindblowing the past few weeks have been in a very simple way (despite the grandness that the word suggests).. sigh.. memang semua kurnia Allah.. masyaAllah, very syukur, insyaAllah..

also, in the spirit of... the end of the World Cup, can I just say that I hate the gung ho ness about the octopus? Astaghfirullah. insyaAllah, ana will not directly or indirectly write condescendingly. but I was horrified the second I heard about it, and then I was just sad. Kenapa boleh dunia gegar dengan seekor sotong yang tiada kena mengena dengan kerja Allah? Astaghfirullah. We cannot even have a dot of amazement at the fact that the octopus predicted rightly who was going to win the match. Jangan bro, jangan.. ingat.. REMEMBER... LIVE, BREATHE AND DIE LA ILAHA ILLA ALLAH. nikmatilah apa sebenarnya maknanya. I know it's not that people are worshipping the octopus tapi what's behind the message of actually being in awe of it and its "ability"? PERCAYA PADA ALLAH, bukan percaya pada sotong kan! semua datang dari Allah, tanamkanlah dalam-dalam yang hanya Allah yang maha mengetahui.. kitani termasuk sotong, parrot, giraffe dan sewaktu dengannya tidak mengetahui melainkan apa yang Dia kehendaki. Wallaua'lam. Ana afwan kalau ada yang tersalah bahasa, tapi ana harap message yang ana cuba sampaikan ana faham, bukan kerana sindiran atau to ridicule people but insyaAllah kerana peringatan buat semua ESPECIALLY DIRI ANA yang sungguh alpa dan lupa kerana dunia.

taking this from Ustaz Zaharuddin's facebook status:

Spain akhirnya menang Piala Dunia 1-0, terdetik mengharapkanya kalah kerana bimbang, ramai menjadi syirik dek kerana ramalan sotong. Saya juga tidak sokong Holland mengenangkan permainannya yang kotor dan kerajaan barunya dipimpin oleh parti ahli parlimen pereka filem Fitna, Gert Wilders yang membenci Islam.

alhamdulillah back home!

2010-06-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum,

alhamdulillah i am back home in Brunei... it's been bliss to be reunited with my family and the ambiance of some kind of serenity that i have adhered to for most, if not all my life. all praises be to Allah... it really feels like a present... something that i have valued more this year coming home, maybe because I haven't been here for about 9 months or so, but still I don't know, it just feels sweeter... how Allah made it all possible for me.. and my friends to be back here.. something that I did not give much weight to last year. Alhamdulillah. memang kan, semua pun boleh di lihat sebagai hadiah dari Allah.. sememangnya Allah saja yang mampu bagi kitani segalanya.. samaada yang tani minta atau inda.. Allah lebih tau kemahuan dan KEPERLUAN ketani... hehehe.. insyaAllah peringatan buat semua especially diri yang kuat termakan dunia ini...

anyway... insyaAllah rasa kan mau share something di sini... macam lama sudah rasanya inda kan... memang masa ni rasa iman inda seberapa lah... so insyaAllah dengan sharing di sini boleh ingatkan diri dan orang lain jua kalau di izinkan Allah.. hehe. dalam kesiukkan balik brunei, di sambut dengan pelbagai nikmat, dengan tidak disedari... kadang-kadang iman tu turun tia pulang.. masjid di UK scarce, di cari-cari... hati sedih kerana berada di tanah orang putih kerana islam minority... tapi sesudah di Brunei.. masjid mana-mana... azan yang sungguh merdu berkumandang... masih tidak mampu membangkitkan iman ke? mana perginya rintihan hati di UK yang rindu dengan keislaman masyarakat? ana pun inda tahu... sebab ana sendiri bertanya soalan ni pada diri....

actually ani memang lari sikit dari the topic that i want to talk about.. huhuhu inda apa lah.. insyaAllah i'll try writing it next time.. anyway atu saja to update, insyaAllah.. sama-sama kita enhance remembrance of Allah... just remember and associate every goodness with Allah... remember that His mercy exceeds His wrath... walaupun maybe rasa diri kekurangan.. banyak dosa... malu dengan Allah.. ingat lah that Allah selalu waiting for us with open arms... Allah Maha Pengampun.. hopefully hati-hati tani dilembutkan oleh Nya agar kita semua mendekatkan diri tani padaNya.. kalau bukan pada Allah, pada siapa lagi tani kembali kan... insyaAllah. speaking to myself before anyone else, sorry if i misspoke or mis...wrote? teehee.

salam!

2010-05-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum,

i has no idea about energy conservation day in Bru Bru, neither do i has an opinion about it. but here's a perspective that we ought to think about as shared by my dearest brother, bang jirs. Alhamdulillah. insyaAllah we can all benefit from reading, ameen. just something to ponder over perhaps?

PERSPECTIVE

filler chiller.

2010-05-26T10:07:00.000-07:00

assalamualaikum,

man how delusional have i been. not studying for almost a week. and went shopping for home before my last paper. and catching up on season finales and whatnot. ridonkulez. once the revision switch dims, it's suddenly too dark to find the switch to turn it on again, numsayen. but must put on essay gear soon, 4 essays in thr33 hours bebs. although it's a seen exam. but no notes. insyaAllah can doooooooooooooo. work + prayers + tawakkal = your job done. insyaAllah. i am preaching to myself btw, as you can probably tell what my studying habits are (excessive breaks - actually 5 hours is excessive, i don't know what 7 days is) uhhh a week? craig david's song? i totals crack myself up *crickets*

anyway i'm super psyched to be home.. insyaAllah will go smoothly.. albeit what I presume will be a bittersweet first week :'( adjust, insyaAllah. can't believe i haven't been in brunei for most of the year... pretty sure things have changed just as much as they haven't changed there, heh. either way, i can't wait to embrace it.

btw it is terrifying how much i managed to keep up with the finales amidst tis exam season. but quick recap: oth was kinda boring, although the last few seconds was pretty rad. gg was alright, slightly better but eh okay. himym and bbt were alright, nothing to be particularly engaged in... tbh, himym climaxed early in the season and mid whilst bbt, although nothing crazy fantastic, has been consistently good. modern family was just okay, that too peaked early on and mid. but it's a promising show. dh was pretty good although it was weird how they didn't really play out the serial killer conclusion too well when i thought it was one of the crux of the season. but dum dum dum, best finale goes to chuck. in. this. putable. e! total ace in action, drama and comedy so it was possibly one of the best season finales evs. yeah i taste my biasedness. well tbh, Chuck stands unfairly strong against the likes of oth, gg and comedy shows. but it's a fantastic show. chuck > glee. yeah i said it.

(it's actually more terrifying that i spent time to type that out :o)

hehe home :) 8th june and then. 4! yayers!!!! :)) insyaAllah.. btw reminder to self mostly.. even though exams are gradually subsiding.................................... don't let all the prayers subside too :( exams, no exams, must spend time with Allah outside of solat (as in not just 5 times a day within 10-30 mins), insyaAllah. take note, hazeerah ariffin!!!

dark clouds.

2010-05-19T13:25:00.000-07:00

assalamualaikum.

i feel completely helpless. i want to get over this state of fear about the consequences of the future so much. dark clouds are above me. the only thing that keeps them away from stomping on me though is hope. hope that i am frankly struggling to keep. and it questions my heart where it really is. but i know, as i repeatedly inject into my thoughts that this hope is all i have. i am helpless but i am hopeful. i have nothing else to cling onto but hope. i really in every sense of the word have nothing to hold onto but hope. there is nothing that suffices me but hope. and i really don't care at the risk of sounding cliche at all because that is the furthest of what I'm feeling, of what I feel :')

just when i'm on the brink of hopelessness... the last few strands of hope save me from drowning and following where the dark clouds go. the last few strands. just when I'm about to fall and maybe I have fallen.. something picks me up.. and that is that bit of hope I managed to keep amidst the situation that I am enveloped in. and there's nothing else that will keep me going.. there's nothing else that can make me go but this hope.

sorry for painting such vagueness and maybe depressing the already darkening clouds. but there is a silver lining. there is always a silver lining.. maybe i can't see it now, maybe you can't see it now, but i believe in it truly that there's always a silver lining.. especially when you hold onto hope. and the "hope" that I have been speaking of in context is not the kind of slogan Barack Obama used in his presidential campaigns or anything of that sort.

Hope that has me going here is the one that has been placed by Allah. seriously, i keep telling myself.. if i lose this, i have nothing else. the hope that i so desperately need that enables me to breathe in a myriad of difficulties. this hope that helps me walk through thorns and hardship. the source of this hope.. more than anything.. is completely my everything. at this point, whatever will the outcome be.. that is what Allah has made for me.. and what I can take comfort in is that I have hope upon Him.. hope on His mercy upon me.. that will never die, insyaAllah.. because without this faith, how will I be able to stand? where would I go to in prosperity and adversity?

ya Allah.. only You know my joys and sorrows. sometimes, or most times, I don't even think I understand my own feelings and thoughts, but You know me more than I know myself.. and what will keep me going through uncertainties in life is the certainty that You are sufficient for me, insyaAllah :)

Multiple choices

2010-05-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum,

so... during many points in life, surely most of us have met anger. and there we stand, we had two choices: walk away or embrace it. maybe i can't speak for the rest of you, but i'll tell you that for more than many occasions that I can count, I chose the latter. because almost always, I walk and run through life with ego. there's someone we know all to well?

there's just something about attending to my ego. listening to it, the need to stroke it emanates some sort of sick pleasure even if only for a few moments. and when it's not being attended to, there's that voice that scolds me... how could you have just walked away from that? how weak are you that you chose to keep quiet during all of it? don't you have principles? are you seriously going to let him talk to you like that? defend yourself! you know you're right!

Reaction a) You're right.. I shouldn't have to stand for this and accept it, I'm putting my foot down, I can't be treated like this!!!!

Reaction b) Shut up. I'm going to take wudhu and calm myself down because I do not want to react impulsively and do something that would displease my Lord. go away.

tick where relevant? i hope i will remember to take this multiple choice exam the next time I'm confronted with anger and ego.

anger is indeed a human emotion. a natural one? maybe. macam it's such a consuming emotion, that you need to satisfy kalau inda, inda puas... and indeed it's something that all of us find difficulty in controlling. but fact is... everytime I choose to embrace it.. my heart darkens.. and slowly my iman diminishes as my ego is catered to more, than my iman. so really.. is it worth to cater to my ego and anger at the expense of a diminishing iman? which fulfillment will last longer - the answer is clear yet it's still difficult for us to ponder over. manusia.. kami sungguh hina dan lemah.. ya Allah, ampunilah dosa-dosa kami kerana sesungguhnya tiada yang mengampuni dosa-dosa selain Engkau. ameen.

The strong man is not the good wrestler; the strong man is only the one who controls himself when he is angry. (Bukhari, Muslim)

Rasulallah Sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam said, "Whoever does not argue when he is in the wrong will have a home built for him on the edge of Paradise. Whoever avoids it when he is in the right will have a home built for him in the middle of Paradise. And whoever improves his own character, a home will be built for him in the highest part of Paradise." [Tirmidhi]

sama-sama lah kitani ambil kata-kata Rasulallah S.A.W., for no man can offer better advice than Allah's messenger... insyaAllah..

ps: i hope this post doesn't come across as angry because it's not meant to. just in case, let me just add some HEHEHEEHEHEHEHEHEHE in hoping that'll change your mind :D :D :D and as yush, speaking to myself before anyone else... all praises be to Allah for every goodness and anything flawed falls upon my own weaknesses.

Language/Bahasa... mana saja.

2010-05-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum,

wow. se7en days to first paper. fuh. mudahan Allah tolong kitani semua, insyaAllah. ameen.

anyway, moving onto a different subject altogether..

I kind of have a bone to pick with, with people who have a problem with people choosing what language they want to speak in. I don't know, I guess I don't understand the cultural backlash of it all but I mean you can't scold somebody for speaking in a language he chooses to express himself with and instead want him to speak the language you want him to. You know?

No disrespect to anybody in particular, honestly. But I was just thinking that it's offensive to tell people that speaking a foreign language is disgraceful. For me personally, I don't choose to speak in English because I am ashamed to speak Malay. And for the record, I do speak Malay as well.. and honestly in my household, I speak about a 1:1 ratio of English and Malay. i didn't allocate such balance intentionally lol, but yeah I guess I like to express myself in both languages and that's okay.

actually the above seemed quite defensive kekekeke. this wasn't based on personal attacks, btw, just something that I find pretty relevant. Anyway the point of the matter is, you might have reasons why you find speaking in foreign languages is degrading to your culture and heritage, but there is no reason to impose such creed upon somebody else. I guess if necessary, it would be good to remind somebody not to forget their roots.. yeah it is pretty necessary actually.. but we need to remember to do so in gentle manners. try reminding with subtlety and not condescendingly. nothing good comes from (negative) sarcasm, right? oops. i think i just tasted my own bitter medicine *looks at blog title*. and yeah i do believe in such a thing called (positive) sarcasm. huhuhu. i'm learning my limits alright? :p

so, it shouldn't be something to look down upon. biartia ya cakap english saja, kalau ya mau. kalau ya mau cakap melayu pun, biartia, maybe lebih baik. kalau ya mau cakap Arab, lagi tia baik kan. yes, language is identity, but you know what else, it's diversity. we recognize the differences but let's try to take the good in them and leave the bad ones behind, insyaAllah. cematu jua lah the deal with Westernisation is relevant here, it's not good to be carried away with adopting Western lifestyle into our households so again, try to take what's positive and leave what's negative. And significantly, culture shouldn't dictate how we live our lives.. culture is.. culture.. it's a huge component in life but what transcends it? islam, of course :D so cakap apa saja language asalkan inda memurkakan Allah.

i guess this is just my two cents in. and yeah, this is advice to me primarily as always speaking to myself before anyone else...... mana kami sedar kadang-kadang.. benda yang kami inda suka arah orang lain.. rupanya ada arah diri sendiri...

Kaching and what does it matter?

2010-03-22T14:36:00.000-07:00

i crave for money for probably various different reasons but mostly just want to live comfortably in this world. i almost completely hold onto it as an essential means, not to just survive, but maximize my insatiable desires. money facilitates my materialist cries and enhances my superficial mind until I allow so much love for it, the love for money reaches my heart. and suddenly the real purpose of life slowly fades into obscurity as money offers itself as a medium to reach my optimum utility.

but I get so insulted when the value of my life is associated with money such as that you can't place a monetary value on a person's life. such that a person's life is immeasurable against price. okay. if the value of my life is indeed priceless, why do I strongly attach price to achieve the value of my life? they might not be precisely the same, but i have to admit that on some level, there is some irony in there. I pretty much acknowledge the fact that one's life is far too valuable; that cannot be measured against anything tangible. and a life is.. a life.. you can't get it back once it's gone. but how come I talk the talk but not walk the walk? if really I think that my life is THAT precious, why do I live my life in ways that don't match its worth?

money does make a lot of things appear easy and convenient. they say money doesn't buy you happiness but how come I feel happy after certain purchases? well i guess sometimes they just do. such happiness might not be true happiness, but that's for another post insyaAllah. So money appears to be necessary in this life, can't go without it, can I? Unfortunately, I often forget the bigger picture here. all the money this world can find belongs to Allah Azza Wajalla ergo every dollar and penny come from Him; so think now have I been spending money that He gave the ways He would be pleased with? EVEN MORE SO, HAVE I THANKED HIM (ENOUGH) FOR SUCH BLESSINGS? Sadly.. I remember myself thinking.. "wish i had more money.. wish i had the money to get that.. wish i had more money.. wish i.. more, more, more, hopefully Allah will give me more in the future, Amin." WHERE IS THE THANKS? WHERE IS THE GRATITUDE? WHERE IS THE HUMILITY? Astaghfirullahalazim.

Pernahkah ku sedar kebesaran Allah dengan cara-caraNya? Allah bagi money supaya I can eat so I can have the energy untuk beribadat. Allah bagi money supaya dapat tinggal arah rumah.. so that I have a place to rest at night time.. dapat sembahyang, beribadat, etc. Allah bagi money supaya dapat belajar.. Allah emphasizes for us to seek knowledge and we do so through education system from attending to schools in Brunei to University now. Allah bagi money supaya dapat sedekah arah orang fakir miskin, supaya ada chance dapat pahala tolong orang susah, dapat pahala because Allah suka orang yang bersedekah.. He gives me money as a means.. as a means to be closer to Him.. yet.. there are more times than I could count in which I walked the other road :'( Astaghfirullahalazim.

kenapa cakap allowance government bagi inda cukup? pasal accommodation mahal bah. takes half of the allowance, or even more. So? Kenapa focus on that instead of saying "Wow masyaAllah, alhamdulillah Allah bagi money senang-senang supaya dapat bayar rent every month so I have this stable and proper place to stay." Other people of my age are probably out there struggling to pay tuition and accommodation fees and I as much as don't need to lift a finger, yet here I am asking for more. Astaghfirullah.

It doesn't take me 5 minutes to answer how I've treated money all my life. to quench my thirst of nafsu. Bukan kah Allah inda suka tu melayan nafsu dunia yang berkelebihan? Astaghfirullah. ya Allah, ampunkanlah hambaMu yang sungguh alpa ini :'(

why do I keep letting myself conform to this consumer society - one that excessively consumes now thus forgoing the investment of the afterlife. Am I really prioritizing a life that is short-lived relative to an eternal one in the Hereafter? What am I after? Who am I doing all of this for? oh why is it so easy for me to be blinded by money.. by materialism.. that cannot progress me towards the path of Allah but only delay it. why do I let myself be defined by the things that I have or the things I want to have? does Allah look at my possessions? Does He value my physical assets? or is He just interested in my heart? If it is my heart that Allah values me for, then why am I doing things that are damaging to the one thing that Allah wants me to look after? If it's not the material things Allah cares that I achieve in this world, what are they for?

If I don't care of what Allah thinks, what is left of me? If I choose to ignore what is actually wrong with me and how I choose to utilize my time in this world, what will I do when He questions me? What will I say to Him when He asks me where did I put Him in my list? What will I say when He points out that I have put Him below money and worldly materials in the list? What will I say or do when the only things I have in the list are money and materials?

why am I more concerned about my dunia balance and not my akhirat balance? why do I constantly complain about not having more than I have been given rather than crying over my countless sins and ways I have caused the displeasure of Allah? why do not I remember that Rasulallah S.A.W. never let anything in sight and mind to delay or prevent him from submitting himself to Allah Azza Wajalla? and he is the greatest example of mankind. why do I not cherish the examples set by the sahabah - Abu Bakar gave everything away during war time because he did not care for money as much as he cared about pleasing Allah - he did not care to leave money for his family because he trusted that Allah takes care of them and that is sufficient. MasyaAllah :')

so what I'm trying to say is that I should try and submit myself to Allah in more ways than one.. and in this context, submit myself away from materialism and just be grateful for what Allah has given me thus far. I should be more unaffected by money and material things so they don't distract me from submitting myself to Allah. Nothing in this world means anything without Him, so it is only right that I make Him my utmost priority. InsyaAllah.. everyday is a battle with myself, with my nafsu.. insyaAllah He will guide us onto the most righteous paths, Amin.

speaking to myself before anyone else and forgive my mistakes as they are unintended and derived from my own weaknesses and anything good that you are able to take is completely and wholly from Allah so all praises be to Allah and nobody else.

10 reasons why I love Brunei.

2010-03-04T19:00:00.000-08:00

Wheeee I'm on a digressive mode (away from essay writing) so let's roll with 10 reasons why i love Brunei. okay i'm not completely manic, i've been meaning to do this to commemorate national day last week and i'm really trying to be awake in the midst of doing work.

1. FREE HEALTH CARE. don't complain if you have to fork up a dollar for your dentist appointment or whatever because a dollar doesn't even pay for a quarter of a pill in some other countries. and we shouldn't even complain about a long queue because health care is for everyone; you're not the only who are vulnerable to viruses and bacteria and it's free for God's sake, you can't complain.

2. FREE EDUCATION. oh my God. seriously. we don't even get terrible hand me downs textbooks. as i recall, in form 6, we got NEW fresh expensive history textbooks. oh yeah well we needed to return them at the end of every academic year but dude, no exorbitant school fees and resources are provided so easily like that.. masyaAllah. alhamdulillah.

3. PAY NO TAXES. okay, don't go and say "road tax ada jua..............." RELATIVELY, we pay like no tax at all. and so you can also cross tax evasion from that list of potential crimes in brunei.

4. THE SULTANATE. love how islam IS one of the main foundation of this country's administration. Alhamdulillah! come to think the journey our nation had gone through from being known as Poli/Poni founded by Awang Alak Betatar later called Sultan Muhammad Shah circa 1360 (primary school sejarah smack WHOOPA) wow. how much Allah has blessed our country, Allahuakhbar! appreciate what our sultans have had done for us, masyaAllah. their contributions and sacrifices for people of Brunei tend to be underestimated. may Allah bless all our 29 Sultans, Amin. alhamdulillah we were born into a country that has established islamic values.. surely there are many rooms for improvement.. but having those rooms to start with is already pretty good eh? alhamdulillah.

5. NO (EASY) ACCESS TO ALCOHOL. basically this law synchronizes with islamic principles and it makes one "work hard" to buat dosa. so that's discouraging.

6. 80% OF PARKING SPACE IS FREE and even if it does cost... less than 5 dollars bui. in UK, you have to go to a freaking machine to get a parking ticket if you want to place your car under a tree, darn it. see.

5. YOU CAN ALWAYS FIND A PLACE TO PRAY masjid bejurit yo inda tercari sudah inda banyak di sini baru mencari... hakikat manusia?

6. PETROL IS HEAVILY SUBSIDIZED enough said?

7. (relatively) CHEAP FOOD so much GOOD cuisine in brunei. so much. and at relatively reasonable prices yo. I HEART BRUNEI FOOD although that may constitute THAI, CHINESE, JAPANESE AND ITALIAN food *GRIN* and also a person can be fed with ONE BLUE A-DOLLA, only at pasar malammmmm.

8. THE TRAFFIC CAPACITY ISN'T TO SUCH AN EXTENT THAT IT CAN CAUSE IMMENSE STRESS at most, usually people get stuck in traffic during certain hours of the day and inda lama banar lah, at most probs one hour or less, most probs less. i think it goes on way longer in countries such as Bangkok, etc.

9. WEATHER ISN'T AS FICKLE yes, it's a hot country... but plessss enter room ada air cond what.... and countless times we've been blessed with rain.

10. IT'S HOME a place where my family resides. and that's what makes home a home ey? and no place feels like it ;)

admittedly, i could have come up with better reasons relative to some others i randomly thought of. but they're fine and now i'm off to working on why political intolerance damages the quality of democracy with reference to gay Americans.

oh and yes happy birthday, F square (yeah i can't get this to be mathematically programmed and type an indices), you STIG photogenix superstarz you.

salam, see you next time, insyaAllah.

MARCH...ing towards time.

2010-03-01T02:28:00.000-08:00

Yes, that was quite an excellent or lame (gosh I dislike that word) if you have no sense of humor, pun I came up with above. I know right, I almost left myself in awe, where do I get this stuff from. so this is almost completely uncharacteristic of me to not be looking forward to another holiday season. it is officially March and i'm getting really freaked out by the minute. i feel like i want to start but everything else is catching up with me that i can't really start then. wow.. even I don't buy that excuse.

but no seriously. meh. isn't time spent worrying contributing to time lost? oh my barely 8 months old sony laptop started to make loud noise last night (i am almost convinced it's the fan or whatever) and obviously i'm utterly moved by this implication that i cannot seem to keep a laptop healthy for barely more than a few months. anyway i think it is a sign that i should be reducing time on this technology and solve my problem above. Allah has His ways :) (is it also a sign to......... take this laptop to wherever I bought it for check up WHISTLE)

i hope the next time i write i'll be at home. ha ha ha. jokes. decisiveness sadly almost never wants to wear me. oh and btw Valentines Day the film was surprisingly not cheesy. Well maybe that's not so fair because every rom-com HAS cheese. But this movie was a pretty good pasta let's just say.

anyway it shall be good to start another new month with Bismillahirrahmanirrahim and syukran Allah because we're all still here and breathing and able to say Your name, Alhamdulillah.

(btw everyone knows it's March and the only reason why I know it's Rabiulawal now is because Maulidur Rasul was last week... we gots to recognize Hijrah calendar way better than that bro.)

oh ibu.. engkaulah ratu hatiku.

2010-02-22T22:00:00.000-08:00

ya Allah..

ampunkanlah dosa-dosa ibuku..
cucurilah rahmatMu padanya dikubur..
jauhkanlah dia dari azab-azab pedih dan neraka jahanam..
dekatkanlah ibuku ke syurgaMu..
tempatkanlah ibuku bersama golongan orang yang beriman di akhirat nanti..

Amin..

let me keep my thoughts of pain and love and be them reminders for me. 18 years yet i know for many more to come, i can't ever erase this special place in my heart I have harbored for you. i shall remember you. syukran Allah for enabling me to say my prayers for my mother. and i can only ask that You enable me to continue to do so and insyaAllah grant my prayers for my mother. and, I miss you so dearly :') for the shortest time you took care of me, you remain the most incredible woman to me. i can't ever repay you for the gift you have given me, but insyaAllah i pray Allah rewards you with Jannah. Amin.

the non-existence of our loved ones only make our existence in this world much more valuable. think about it. you are still able to ask for Allah's forgiveness.. they can't.. so dare we have the audacity to not seek Allah when He has given will to do so? ya Allah.. forgive us for our weaknesses and may You continue to guide us onto the most righteous paths. Amin.

Al-Fatihah.

BRISOC's Islamic Awareness Week

2010-02-12T12:30:00.000-08:00

hair low guys.

I just wanted to drop by to talk briefly about the islamic awareness week we had here in Bristol over the past week. I was writing a detailed review of the event but I realize I don't have much time in going over every talk although I want to because they're all too good to leave out, but I guess I will do so another time. For now, I'll just share some of my thoughts... as usual.

It was truly an amazing event - in the sense where it was an open door of knowledge for both Muslims and non-Muslims. It was vital for non-Muslims particularly to access TRUE concepts about Islam instead of 'learning' it from the media *WHISTLE* But it was as essential for me to make use of the events because obviously whilst I'm still learning, it helped me to connect some veins that were disconnected. It was 'Discover Islam' week and to be frank, there are so many levels that even Muslims haven't discovered and the event was certainly a platform to do so.

The talks offered interesting topics but essentially shared a lot of grounds i.e. purpose, God's indisputable existence, etc. I enjoyed most of them too especially question and answer sessions. And you get to hear classical questions as well as well thought out ones nonetheless being able to hear several takes on the subject is sufficiently refreshing. Some speakers were inevitably more enjoyable than others to me but they all had different strengths in terms of style really. Adam Deen presented his counter argument to Richard Dawkins' the God Delusion which was relatively more scientific than others. It was really good actually although felt slightly lost during some points only because I contain limited knowledge about what he was saying. His responses were well articulated and I thought he was pretty impressive overall. Just pointing out to a slight turn off though in one of the talks, the speaker was more than slightly politically geared (hint guy running for Parliament) and sort of left some people confused with what he was really trying to convey and he was aggressive too and of which both factors made my face feel hot with tension. *insert inability to adapt to awkward situations*. Then there was the multifaith panel they had; islam, Christianity and judaism. That was great you know incorporating other religions into the event so people can compare and see what they're like, etc. But personally I thought it would have been nicer if they had a panel for atheism (which is ironically no faith to be included in a multifaith panel), or something other than Christianity or Judaism i.e. Hinduism, Buddhism of which I find to be pretty inaccessible so that would have been more interesting I think. The finale in particular was amazing. It really was icing on the cake, with cherry on top. If you guys get a chance to attend a talk by Hamza Andreas Tzortzis, do make some time because the guy's breadth of knowledge is astounding. He was incredibly engaging- loved his style, his presentation, his interaction with the audience; it was light and casual yet respectable. RECOGNISE

It is quite sad that it's over because I was really getting used to listening to the talks and having constant reminders to such a forgetful mind like mine was a treat. Alhamdulillah. What struck me at every talk I attended was how amazing it felt to be a believer. I sat there and I listened to their arguments of which I was nodding along to, because I was already convinced and then I thought a lot of other people particularly non-Muslims must certainly challenge some concepts in their minds. I don't know if you guys are getting my point but it just felt so much of a blessing you know, that Allah almost intrinsically, if I can say that, granted me with such faith. Although it was shaky and imperfect, even today, I can't deny so but it was still a blessing that He granted me an environment or a background that accentuated a life towards pleasing Him. So much so that I need not question Him to such degrees that non-Muslims probably would. But you know Allah has plans for everyone, but bottom line is it was just a realization of another one of His infinite blessings so syukur Alhamdulillah.

conclusively, i just pray that i would be able to apply what i learnt towards improving my submission to Allah, insyaAllah.. as they said IAS has ended but our journey continues. I know, that was slightly a tacky goodbye send off message but it's extremely true so you know. okay wow, so much for brief eh?

Salam

Why has God created problems for us?

2010-02-10T10:12:00.001-08:00

I know this is quite a famous question; one that we might have asked ourselves or out loud. I find this question to reflect quite a shallow concept of Allah to be honest although it is still interesting to talk about. So yes, why is this world so difficult to live in with all sorts of problem that we go through? One might say if God is really there, then why are there so much pain and hardship in this world? Classic question. Why didn't He just make us all agents of peace and obeyed His commands flawlessly and thus achieve a life of happily ever after?

First and foremost, let me just be clear when I say behind everything and anything that happens.. there is indeed a reason. The reason(s) might be beyond our comprehension, but they're reasons nonetheless. Most importantly, let us ingrain the fact that only Allah knows about everything and His decrees are much too brilliant that most times we can't figure out why something happens. So, as much as I want to be eloquent in an attempt to refute this 'why has God created so many problems for us' question, ultimately the best response would be 'Allah Maha Mengetahui' and we simply do not deserve to question Him. But allow me to share my thoughts anyway.

The fact that we live in a difficult world; one that has been through countless numbers of war, recession, injustice, inequality, racism, religious intolerance, terrorism, discrimination, other political, economic and social problems.. does not diminish my faith in Allah at all. Because I simply do not see how imperfect this world is as a reflection of His magnitude. Surely His creations and designs are flawless as illustrated by some visible to the naked eye such as nature, etc and the latter such as our body system, etc. When I am talking about imperfect world, I'm referring to the misfortunes that we see or go through ourselves. So yes why do we live in such imperfection?

Allah defines perfection. He is One and Almighty. The fact that we are convinced of how flawless He is inclines us to willingly submit ourselves to Him. Would you be willing to accept something or someone that is flawed as your God? Probably not right? So anyway if we were created in perfection in every aspect; (appearance, personality, attitude, behaviour, capability etc) what would distinguish The creator and His creations? How would a perfect form worship another form of perfection? If we were perfect in a sense that we encounter no or little problems in life, why would we seek another form of perfection and in this context Allah?

Significantly, Allah creates problems for us because He wants to test us. It is a test of faith when we are faced with calamity and hardship. It is probably much easier to blame someone when we find ourselves in severity but just think about it for a little while. If you believe in the Hereafter, in places called Paradise and Hell.. the descriptions you have read in the Quran.. doesn't the former sound incredibly blissful and the latter sounds extremely horrifying but both seem to be beyond our imagination. So yes, Allah speaks about Paradise.. it's really the place to be, isn't it? MasyaAllah.. that is the reward for the believers. It is eternal, it is the best place to be as described by Allah.. so.. don't you think to get to such a place requires a 'certificate' or shall I say 'qualification'? When we long for something good i.e. a good grade in an exam or a successful marriage, etc, do they happen without effort? It applies here too, [just an infinity more WORTH (when speaking of Paradise)] don't you think? It requires EFFORT to DESERVE Jannah! So, it is through hardship and challenges Allah provides us platforms to be closer to Him, to enhance our faith in Him, and to ultimately pass the test of faith. He doesn't create problems for you to make you suffer, He creates them despite of that, He loves you and wants you to learn and be strong and stronger and by which we do so by seeking Him. Isn't that beautiful? MasyaAllah, Allah is indisputably the Best Teacher.

Rasulallah S.A.W. said "Verily if Allah loves a people, He makes them go through trials. Whoever is satisfied, for him is contentment, and whoever is angry, upon him is wrath." He loves us. He tests us through trials; to see whether would we stay with Him or would we run away? You know, when things get hard someone would bail out on you and then it is only when someone sticks around after difficult times, you know that friend is true.

I probably don't have much substance to say this but as far as my observation and/or experience goes, one is more likely to seek Allah during bad times and when good times roll, one is probably enjoying life far too much to remember His creator. It is a bad quality of ours, but that is our weakness, one that we are trying to counter, insyaAllah. But yes, so problems are there to remind us of Him; that we can always return to Him in any circumstance. He reminds us by giving us hardship.. that we are weak human beings.. to never lose hope or faith in His mercy. He enhances our humility as a weak servant of His.. pain and hardship have the ability to moderate us, don't you think? In retrospect, reflect back on your experience thus far, has it not? What has been said so far can only exist as my perspective or "theory", and can only be validated by your own experience.

What about patience? I don't think this quality is an inate characteristic.. it is earned. No one says a baby has patience, because they don't. Because they haven't gone through anything in life in order to obtain this quality. It is through challenges and hardship that we have the ability to develop patience and perseverance. When a calamity strikes you, what do you do? I mean, do you attempt to defy it? How? You can't. So you are only left with the option to deal with it. And ofcourse this requires patience. Since then, one can probably apply patience to his daily life. From being patient in waiting in the longest queqe to being patient when somebody wrongs you. To choose patience over anger, conflict and depression. Thus patience is inarguably a blessing from Allah.

"Be sure We shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods, lives, and the fruits of your toil. But give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere. Those who say, when afflicted with calamity, 'To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return.' They are those on whom descend blessings from their Lord, and mercy. They are the ones who receive guidance." (2:155-157)

It's like.. nothing I can say will defeat that verse above. Only Allah can come up with such depth in 2 ayats.

Comfortingly, hardship is inflicted upon us to atone for our sins, that is if we emerge from them as believers. Rasulallah S.A.W. said "worry, anxiety, pain, fatigue, sickness, or even a thorn that pricks him - when a believer is afflicted with any of these, Allah grants him pardon for some of his sins (through or because of those afflictions)." So this even strengthens the point of which pain and hardship are blessings in disguise; we may not like something that is good for us but like something that is bad for us as Allah says.

And just to emphasize this point more. Rasulallah S.A.W. illustrates the best example, yet again, masyaAllah. We know that Allah loves him, he is described as kekasih Allah, how do you get any closer to Him than that? He was the closest thing to be called a perfect human being. Rasulallah S.A.W. was an exceptional human being; he was Allah's Messenger yet he lived moderately - he truly devoted his life to Allah's causes. Did he live a perfect life though as in no problems, hardship, challenges, etc? That couldn't be further from the truth; this man experienced hardship from the start of his life from being born without a father to losing his mother at 6 and then continously losing the people he loved after that. Not to mention, what he went through in order to preach people about islam and the teachings of Allah.. he was constantly targetted for assassination, etc. Rasulallah S.A.W. wasn't a wealthy man too; he certainly knew the real meaning of hunger and he did not even want to burden anybody of it so much so he put a cloth containing small stones around his stomach to withold his hunger. I wouldn't compare Rasulallah S.A.W. to anyone, no but take him as an example as he should be.. he was immensely loved by Allah and just learn about his life, in which you will find immense struggle and hardship inflicted upon him.. yet he was unscathed. what more us; how can we be not humbled by acknowledging this alone?

Yes, life is difficult. Surely, it feels helpless to watch or experience a variance in degree of hardship and pain from losing a parent to failing an exam to knowing the world being threatened by terrorism to reading about people live under injustice in Iraq, Rwanda, Palestine, etc to standing by idly whilst other people struggle through natural disasters... but one thing that should be maintained here is that Allah is the Best Planner. He created every inch, every bit of any form of existence, shall we not surrender to believe that He has infinite ability to sustain everything according to what He regards as best? Ultimately, we should place our trust in Allah and only then, our faith will not waver, insyaAllah. And it's definitely easier said than done; to be patient and fully accepting whatever comes our way, but insyaAllah He will ease things for us.. there is relief after every hardship Allah says. He never intends anything bad for us.. never; as He had said in the Quran kami sendiri yang menzalimi diri kami.

Okay that was probably a challenge to get through so I thank you for your time! Excuse me for whatever wrong I might have written for which they are derived from my own inadequacies and everything that was good definitely came from none other than Allah Azza Wajalla. InsyaAllah mudahan Allah will continue to guide us towards His righteous path and cleanse our hearts in order to improve our submission to Him. Amin.

my lame attempt to critically analyze (lazyness)

2010-02-07T02:32:00.000-08:00

Yell. O.

Okay I'm just really helplessly lazy so I'm going to cheat and write like a primary one composition model.

1. the french government ban on the hijab, burkhas, etc. i was waiting for a while to write about this and then i decided that i don't really have much to say but this. did any of these 'oppressed' women covered in hijabs, burkhas, niqabs, etc plea to be freed, mr sarkozy? aaaaaaaaanooooooo. huh. wellllllll then what is the problem? because?

"well.. becauze.. itz zoe strenge. tek zat of and luk like evryone elze. becoz zat iz ze only way women should luk likez." "and ofkoz becauze oui r zecular. zecularizm.. franze izza zecular ztate!"

yes that was done in such poor taste but who cares. the point is. i don't get it. don't paint yourself democratic if you're going to strip a woman off liberty in her choice of clothing, pleaze? get your head out of your ass... sorry i mean azzzzzzz.

i mean okay sorry, time to retract condescending claws. and i would just like to say that this is so unawesome for women who choose to cover for the sake of modesty as prescribed by Allah. and I heard that this ban is not really following through in effect, I'm not sure, the news change like everyday. so to speak, they are "mulling" over the issue but let's just hope the french parliament will be enlightened. insyaAllah.

2. wow you know what. this is going to look a lot worse than a primary one composition piece because that is all i have to say.

ska-doodlez x
salam,
teehee

My grandmother.

2010-01-19T03:12:00.000-08:00

today is my nini bini's birthday. she's 72. i wish i could have been there but this is where I am but InsyaAllah that time will come. anyway i don't know but i just feel like writing about her. well appropriately so, it is her birthday. and also she's like easily the strongest woman i know.

she hasn't changed since the first day i met her. obviously i was too young to gather the first few years worth of memories but i know she was there the entire time. she used to tell me all the time about how my mother left us at her house when she went to work and my mom would ask if i was asleep or otherwise. and then she would cry. she would cry talking about my mother. and then i'd cry too. but i loved it. i loved how she told me little stories about my mother. how else would i have at least a trail of her memories.

so there was me. there was my sister. my brother. my father. and she took care of us when my father couldn't. and there was my aunt. there was my cousin. and she took them in with nothing but love too. and there were my other aunts. and my uncles. and she paid as much attention to them too. and there was her husband. my grandfather certainly is not the easiest man to live or deal with and I mean that in the least degrading way possible. but she did not waver in her responsibilities. to this day, she attends to him gracefully. and i love her so much for it. she complains, yes indeed she does. but the sincerity is there. cause her love is unconditional. to all of her family.

and then a decade. marriages and more kids. also we grew up. but i feel like she treats us the same way as she did 20 years ago. and then there are my new cousins. they have not missed the experience of childhood that my grandmother granted me and my siblings and my cousins. Alhamdulillah. one of the things i happen to love about her is her love for her grandchildren. i see it everytime. and i certainly feel it too.

i know she's tired. she takes care of us for this long but she just doesn't know how to not to. and that's one of the things which makes her amazing. she has a lot of patience in dealing with a lot of things that this family had put her through! both good and bad. and no matter how this family has made mistakes, she let them back in. she welcomed them with open arms not with fury. her tears are delicate. as strong as she is, she's a slave of Allah, just like the rest of us, continually tested and her faith remains. as she also keeps reminding us that nothing is as important as prayers and our submission to Allah.

and more of her advice. her teachings. what i've learnt from my grandmother is surely priceless. she always says to me that she may not know what's going on in school and stuff, but she surely can work the kitchen. and indeed she does! so extremely very well, anything she makes i will eat because she makes the best food. yeah, my grandmother did not go to school but she's definitely got a good mind. and she is so hilarious, we totally got the sarcastic genes from her. well nini laki can get sarky too so I guess both, so they can be such riots. Teehee and i know that i cannot repay her for gratitude. the whole family can't. but Allah can. I pray that Allah grants her the rewards of Jannah. and praise be to Allah to have blessed us with such a woman figure. if it weren't for Allah, i would not have her in my life and how my.. our lives would have gone differently if that was the case. Syukran Allah. Syukran for nini bini.

brief things.

2010-01-12T11:20:00.000-08:00

feeling bits and pieces about (in)significant things. so i'm just going to speak briefly about them.

1. i was going to post about my holiday but then again i didn't want to be descriptive other than just saying that i had a super lovely time but now the fact that i have to roll with the whole lectures-tutorials-assignments shebang sucks.. royally. so we'll just leave it at that.

2. one of my pet peeves is when someone misspells my name as zIrah. call me crazy, but i mean.. how more obvious can I be when all my identities (facebook, twitter, hotmail, gmail, BLOG etc) screams hazEErah? this might seem trivial, yes, but i want you to spell my name right. thank youuu.

3. so much work til the 22nd, i probably can't breathe properly until then. seriously need to DO and not say. numsayen? (i meant my work ethics need no tacky pep talks but more of an effective resurrection)

4. i just watched the new american idol on itv2. havent watched idol on tv since ages i think? pretty entertaining. it still made me laugh. but one thing i don't like about these early auditions is that you get so attached to some voices and faces and then they don't make it through. the letdowns. gosh i feel so tacky though. lolz (and oh yeah they must be milking this season for all its worth more than ever since it's supposedly simon's last season.)

5. erm. so it's um. january.. 13th yeah? so approximately uhhh abuuuuttttt 2 more months to easter holidays. looking forward to that, hillz yayers. in the mean time though.. i nid 2 roll wif de progs.

p.s. how i met your mother. is. excessively made of gold.

Choice to listen and decide to be.

2009-12-14T04:27:00.000-08:00

you know how life works in two motions; up and down. and to me, the way to deal with those is simply acceptance. and it is not easy, most certainly not especially in reference to experiencing the lowness of life. and i try to take comfort in the genuineness of the situation which is that the lowness of life might not be something that we like yet it's good for us. i am referring to Allah's words to us and we should think that that suffices.

dan boleh jadi kamu benci kepada sesuatu padahal ia baik bagi kamu, dan boleh jadi kamu suka kepada sesuatu padahal ia buruk bagi kamu. Dan (ingatlah), Allah jualah Yang mengetahui (semuanya itu), sedang kamu tidak mengetahuinya. (2:216)

but.

this heart is weak. this self is not the most righteous. this mind is feeble. i am pretty upset with myself recently. each day i discover that i was withering away from what i was trying to build myself to become.. and i kept telling myself to act fast before i could no longer realize. my attachment to this world will be the death of me if i don't continue to fight it... syaitan has failed to make us submit ourselves to berhala or any other object that seems incredibly ridiculous to refer to as powerful.. but syaitan can easily, and already has and doing so indeed at this right moment, influence us to love this world more than anything and that is poisonous. and i have difficulty in differentiating syaitan's voice with my own.. never there a time we want to live a day that we find no difference between the two :S nauzubillah.

astaghfirullahalazim. astaghfirullahalazim. astaghfirullahalazim.

what holds me together today is my faith. i would crumble down to useless pieces without it. to acknowledge that Allah is always there for me carries me through whatever. i am worthless without my submission to my creator... i need not understand why life has taken me to several different routes that i might have not liked myself to cross; but i do not know what is best for me as Allah does. i made bad choices and for sure, i will again. all that comforts me is that Allah knows me better than i know myself, He's closer to me than I am to my own self and mainly, He intends nothing bad for me, ever..

Sesungguhnya Allah tidak menzalimi manusia sedikit pun, tetapi manusia itulah yang menzalimi dirinya sendiri. (10:44)

Ya Allah.. give me strength to not be deceived by syaitan.. give me Your guidance so i shall not falter towards the wrongest path.. grant me Your blessings in whatever i do in life. and i pray that You bless me with patience.

Tuhan. hadiahkanlah kasihMu kepadaku. kurniakanlah rinduku kepadaMu. mudahan syukurku adalah milikMu.

a pure soul untouched by the devil.

2009-12-01T14:30:00.000-08:00

what is the sweetest thing a human being has done for you? what is the most generous thing a human being has done for you? what is the most amazing thing a human being done for you?

well. whatever you have to answer. i'm most certain that it will not exceed the magnitude of what this human being has done for you, me and just about every other one.

in the last few moments of his life....

Suddenly there was a person who said salaam. "May I come in?" he asked.

But Fatimah did not allow him to enter the room. "I'm sorry, my father is ill," said Fatimah, and turned back and closed the door. She went back to Prophet Muhammad sallalahu alaihi wasalam and he opened his eyes and asked, "Who was he, my daughter?"

"I dont know my father. It's the first time I'm seeing him," Fatimah said gently.

"Know one thing...! He is the one who erases the temporary pleasure; he is who separates the companionship in the world. He is the Angel of Death," said Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam. Fatimah bore the bomb of her cry. The death angel came towards Him, but Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam asked by Jibrail did not come along with him. Then Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam looked at his daughter with a trembled look, as if he wanted to reminisce about every part of his daugther's face. Then, Jibrail was called. Jibrail was ready int he sky to welcome the soul of Rasulullah and the leader of the Earth. "O Jibrail, explain to me about my rights in front of Allah? (subhana watalah), Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam asked with a very weak voice.

"The doors of the sky have opened; the angels are waiting for your soul. All Jannats are open widely waiting for you" Jibrail said. But, in fact, all that did not make Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam relieved. His eyes were still full of worry. "You are not happy to hear this news?" asked Jibrail.

"Tell me about the destiny of My People in the future?" said Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam

"Don't worry, O' Rasulullah. I heard Allah (subhana wataala) told me: "I make Jannat haram for everyone, except the people of Muhammad," Jibrail said. The time for Malaekat Izrail to do his work became closer and closer. Slowly, Rasulullah's sallalahu alaihi wasalam soul was pulled. It seems that the body of Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam was full of sweat; the nerves of his neck became tight.

"Jibrail, how painful this is!" Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam slowly uttered with a groan. Fatimah closed her eyes, Ali sat beside her bow deeply and Jibrail turned his face back. "Am I repugnant to you that you turn your face back O Jibrail?" Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam asked.

"Who is the one who could see Habibullah in His sakartul maut," Jibrail said.

"Not for a while," then Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam uttered a groan because of unbearable pain. "O Allah (subhana watala) how great is this sakartul maut. Give me all these pains, but DON'T to MY PEOPLE." The body of Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam became cold, his feet and chest did not move anymore. With tears in eyes, His lips vibrated as if he wanted to say something. Ali took his ear close to Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam, "Uushiikumbis salahti, wa maa malakat aimanuku" "Take care of the salat and take care of the weak people among you." Outside the room, there were cries, each one shouting, Sahaba holding each other. Fatimah closed her face with her hands. Again, Ali took his ear close to Rasulullah's sallalahu alaihi wasalam and with this mouth which became bluish, and TEARS IN HIS EYES, he uttered: "Ummatii Ummatii, Ummatii" " My People, My People, My People"

:') :'( :'| Masyallah. such love and compassion he had for us. it's unspeakable.

you know.. the love that we are surrounded with in our lives, with our parents, siblings, grandparents, friends, significant others, etc are different to the love Muhammad has for his ummah. this love is not borne out of physical attraction or interaction or family values or friendship. he loves us despite of having never met us,or known us, before our own existence. this is a love that needs not make sense, yet still powerful. you know, he would sacrifice for you. Masyallah, he already had. the heart of Muhammad is the purest of all, one that is coveted yet not possible for others.

it's highly negligent on our part not to acknowledge what love he has for us. instead we throw our devotion and admiration to people who can sing or act or are extremely good looking or whatever else they are idolized for.. i don't want to demean you for liking people who can sing/act/dance/good looking etc, etc, because surely i did/do it too. But I guess what I'm trying to say is.. what about Muhammad? I mean personally I learnt of him in ugama school and you know basically growing up in Brunei as a Muslim country, knowing that Nabi Muhammad was our last prophet and so on. But it just stopped there you know.. I never really dug up what it was about this man that was so incredibly special to his companions once upon a time.. he was a good person, surely he was, he was the prophet, he was chosen by Allah ofcourse he was a good person. but that's not enough to know. to love him, we need to dig deeper about his life and his character and his sunnah. and just to take one example that sort of illustrates all the goodness that was present in him was the above text. on his death bed. his last few breaths. in the state of utmost and unbearable pain that we cannot fathom, he thought of us. and do we think of him enough is the question, or at all? and surely, to profess love for Muhammad S.A.W. does not come in the form of three lettered words. instead they should be evident in our attitudes. one of the most important duties as a practising Muslim is that we follow the sunnah of Rasulallah S.A.W. mencintai Rasulallah S.A.W. is a huuuuuge part of our iman.. it's a huuuuuuge part in fulfilling our obedience to Allah S.W.T. Insyallah.. one of the many things we should keep asking for from Allah is not everything that glitters or so on.. instead.. we should keep asking for love for Muhammad even if just a dot of how he loves his ummah.

Rasulullah [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] said, “He who holds firm to my Sunnah when corruption is rampant in my Ummah will attain the reward of a hundred martyrs.” (al-Bayhaqi fi Zuhd; Hidaayatur ruwaat vol.1 pg.136 Hadith174)

Sayyiduna Anas [radhiallaahu anhu] reports that Rasulullah [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] advised, “Whoever cherishes my Sunnah, indeed he cherishes me and whoever loves me will be with me in Jannah.” (Sunan al-Tirmidhi Hadith2678; Ibid)

WOW? WOW! the thought.. of being with Rasulallah S.A.W. in Jannah.. Masyallah.. adakah kami mampu memiliki iman sebegitu tinggi? wallahu'alam.

again, the above bolded example is just one of the many infinite astounding testaments to his character. his contributions to Islam is just.. my, oh my, incredibly mega.. and to think that we are all part of his legacy just.. is a completely mesmerizing sentiment. Masyallah. the only problem regarding it is how much do we really live up to such a tremendous legacy as left by Rasulallah S.A.W? sigh..

and i feel this is a burning revelation that i should include here just to expose more of the love he felt for his ummah.. and my cousin gave me this link, who also told me this story:

Tanya Rasulullah s.a.w.: "Siapakah penduduk masing-masing pintu?"

Jawab Jibrail: "Pintu yg terbawah untuk orang-orang munafik, dan orang-orang yg kafir setelah diturunkan hidangan mukjizat nabi Isa a.s. serta keluarga Fir'aun sedang namanya Al-Hawiyah. Pintu kedua tempat orang-orang musyrikin bernama Jahim, Pintu ketiga tempat orang shobi'in bernama Saqar. Pintu ke empat tempat Iblis dan pengikutnya dari kaum majusi bernama Ladha, Pintu kelima orang yahudi bernama Huthomah. Pintu ke enam tempat orang nasara bernama Sa'eir." Kemudian Jibrail diam segan pada

Rasulullah s.a.w. sehingga ditanya: "Mengapa tidak kau terangkan penduduk pintu ke tujuh?" Jawabnya: "Di dalamnya orang-orang yg berdosa besar dari ummatmu yg sampai mati belum sempat bertaubat." Maka nabi s.a.w. jatuh pengsan ketika mendengar keterangan itu, sehingga Jibrail meletakkan kepala nabi s.a.w. di pangkuannya sehingga sadar kembali dan sesudah sadar nabi saw bersabda: "Ya Jibrail, sungguh besar kerisauanku dan sangat sedihku, apakah ada seorang dari ummat ku yang akan masuk ke dalam neraka?"

Jawabnya: "Ya, iaitu orang yg berdosa besar dari ummatmu." Kemudian nabi s.a.w. menangis, Jibrail juga menangis, kemudian nabi s.a.w. masuk ke dalam rumahnya dan tidak keluar kecuali untuk sembahyang kemudian kembali dan tidak berbicara dengan orang dan bila sembahyang selalu menangis dan minta kepada Allah.

...................... iblis on a lower level than umat Muhammad in the Hellfire? i remember i was shocked upon hearing this.. there is nothing/noone that/who is the dirtiest, unworthy, sickest, and other words in association to those, than iblis! but astaghfirullah, we cannot question Allah S.W.T. we cannot really be shocked at this though you know.. pasal.. kira, we already know.. we already know what Allah asks us to do and not to do, what to approach and what to stay away from, etc.. yet we still act as if His words aren't real, Astaghfirullah. Ampunkanlah hamba-hambaMu yang lemah ini, Allah.. kira, islam atu sampai sudah wah arah ketani, and then we have the audacity to neglect it? Nazubillah. Wallahu'alam.

Al-Quran Surah Al- Baqarah Ayat 159 Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang menyembunyikan apa yang telah Kami turunkan dari keterangan-keterangan dan petunjuk hidayat, sesudah Kami terangkannya kepada manusia di dalam Kitab Suci, mereka itu dilaknat oleh Allah dan dilaknat oleh sekalian makhluk.

but yeah, observe how Rasulallah S.A.W. reacted... how precious were his tears? how did he have the capacity, the heart, the energy to be so concerned about us? can you just imagine the prayers he recited to Allah on our behalf.. the sacrifices he was willing to make in order to prevent us from stepping into the Hellfire? Masyallah. His strength is completely out of this world's league, incredibly mind-blowing and incomprehensible; something that our human mind cannot process - the might and power of Allah Azza Wajalla. ya Allah.. Rasulallah S.A.W. is our leader, and I say is, because despite his demise in this world, his legacy remains within the Muslimins and Muslimahs and most importantly this man is undoubtedly irreplaceable, no greater man will come and lead us like he had and his mark has been placed that will forever not fade. i mean it's amazing because his leadership did not die with him; Allah has left his leadership as to help humankind to the most righteous path, Insyallah, Amin.

and a reminder here, whenever we come across his name or just the mere mention or whatever, the thoughts etc.. baca selawat ke atas Nabi.. kerana kalau kami tidak acknowledge just the mere mention of him.. malaikat akan mengutuk kita.. that thought is completely disgraceful so Insyallah we will always have the heart and tongue to express selawat ke atas Nabi bila-bila saja and especially bila saja kami dengar atau baca, etc, nama Muhammad S.A.W. Insyallah.

Most significantly, Rasulallah S.A.W. represents a far greater power, everything that he is/was comes/came from none other than Allah S.W.T. Muhammad S.A.W. is His creation and so further proves how amazing and almighty Allah is.. Masyallah..

and here before i end this note, ofcourse speaking to myself before anyone else. and i apologize for any errors i might have incurred.

remember him. remember his immense goodness. remember his strength. remember his hardships. remember his sacrifices. remember his prophecy.

:')

Sesungguhnya.

2009-11-30T14:27:00.000-08:00

Sebenarnya.. hati ini.. cinta.. kepadaMu..

Sebenarnya.. diri ini.. rindu.. kepadaMu..

tapi aku.. tidak mengerti.. mengapa cinta masih tak hadir

tapi aku.. tidak mengerti.. mengapa rindu.. belum berbunga..

Tuhan.. hadiahkanlah.. kasihMu.. kepadaku..

Tuhan..kurniakanlah.. rinduku.. kepadaMu..

moga kutahu syukurku adalah milikMu..

:')

remember this when writing an essay?

2009-11-22T12:48:00.000-08:00

We tend to forget this when writing an essay. I know this may have been said before and this is just a reminder. But this totally freaking rocks. I might just love my World Politics lecturer.

Do not worry in the slightest about whether or
not we share your views, politics or
conclusions: all we care about is
knowing what you think
, we are fully professional enough to set
aside our own views. We are NOT
looking for particular answers to anything.

:) Oh btw this ofcourse only applies to politics essays. Because economics don't care for your personal opinion!

gifts.

2009-11-18T23:45:00.000-08:00

as i was walking today, i looked down.. and i saw my feet. and i was hit by the obvious fact that my legs and feet bring me anywhere i wish to go. and at that moment, it felt like a gift. the thought of how some people might not share the same gift made me feel even more grateful. and then my thought goes to how Allah has made me able to walk and it makes me feel blessed. and then i looked up and started to consume the surroundings i was in. He also gave me sight. It's wonderful because not only i could see the world interacting in front of me, more significantly the eyes witness all creations of Allah. i think we forget that. that Allah granted us sight for a reason. and if we really used our eyes according to how we are meant to, we will see the signs of His greatness. and that is another gift on its own. if you could just take the time to sit down and get a piece of paper and write down all the gifts Allah has given you to date... you will not have such infinite time... and more astoundingly, we don't even recognize some of the gifts that we receive from Allah. our minds are much too small to be able to cope with Allah's might. but seek Him and He shall grant us with answers to questions we didn't know we asked, Insyallah.

"dan aku mengikuti agama nenek moyangku Ibrahim, Ishak dan Yakub. Tidak pantas bagi kami (para nabi) mempersekutukan sesuatu apa pun dengan Allah. Itu adalah dari kurnia Allah kepada kami dan kepada manusia (semuanya); tetapi kebanyakan manusia tidak bersyukur." - Ayat 38, Surah Yusuf.

aku tidak mau termasuk dalam kebanyakan manusia.

distraction mistraction.

2009-11-11T15:20:00.000-08:00

Hey. So I have an essay deadline for Friday and it seems almost mandatory that I blog unnecessarily to distract myself from work. anyway just wanting to drop by and say things.

I have been..............gleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed :D Hahaha. I watched the pilot episode before summer and i didn't feel the hype that the internet was making about its debut. so i didn't continue. buuuuuuuuut. suddenly and somehow, i was pressed to watch the second episode. and couldn't really stop. well apa jua ada eight episodes baru. The music, for most part, is ACE. and what more can you ask for after a swagger rendition of Golddigger? i particularly love the mash up of BJ's it's my life with Usher's Confessions. Stud berabissss. and the cast is great in a sense that they portray a more accurate section of high school. i love mr. schuuuuu heeeee. and the show has a decent comedy flavour which is enough to win me over. a special mention would be jane lynch who plays the uhmmm the cheerleading coach who emanates that lesbian vibe but deliver great sadistic lines (but she is a lesbian in rl, not that it matters in any way). WIIIIIIN. oh and what's a tv show without a cute boy?!?! HAHA. finn <3 and i think it's easy to associate this with high school musical. but after watching it, the only potato potatoe is that it's about musical and the setting is in high school. other than that, glee doesn't have the cheesy and tacky and non-making sense storylines and well you know the disney that hsm has.

edit: woot woot, now farhah is gleed too :D haha!

anyway i should go now. get back to..... oh crap. multi tasking much this week. macro, micro, EU essay simultaneous. and btw micro and macro are both majorrrrrr sickness. maybe i'll talk about this some other time, but i can't seem to find passion learning economics nowadays, which is my main struggle. because without it, i am not keen, and without keenness, where does it take me? as opposed to politics, give and take, there are some things i don't like about it, but i can still feel fiery learning and talking about it. i know darn much, right? it's okay though, maybe it's a rough patch, Insyallah I'll find ease.

P.S. Omg.. it was Dede's birthday yesterday :S :D :') :'( he's officially... 5...and fat. sigh. love you bebe <3

2009-11-04T13:17:00.001-08:00

sigh.

mind is a bit cluttered right now. there are so many things in my head yet there is nothing at the same time. it is one of those great ironies. but really... feeling inspired but doing nothing to validate that inspiration. it just feels stagnant and moving backwards simultaneously. things are going by quickly yet concurrently slow.

how do i press play.

oh come on, hazeerah. grow up. like grow the real up. oh well.

Bismillah it shall start with.

do not snooze your alarm.

2009-10-29T02:38:00.001-07:00

(before i start, i thank my brother who drew my attention to this issue. Jazakallahu Khayran. pardon my ignorance since how long ago this has been going on :S)

dear brothers and sisters,

our muslim fellows in Palestine are suffering. so much so at this point the Israelis denied them water. to the extent that they're not allowed to collect rainwater. they're stealing their water because they don't have enough. wow big stomp on weak and inferior much? do you feel that cruelty? astaghfirullah. they are denied of natural resources.. what is left?

Here are some significant facts we need to know about this situation:

1. Israel often sells the water it steals from the West Bank back to the Palestinians at inflated prices.

2. Three million West Bank Palestinians use only 250 million cubic meters per year (83 cubic meters per Palestinian per year) while six million Israelis enjoy the use of 1,954 million cubic meters (333 cubic meters per Israeli per year), which means that each Israeli consumes as much water as four Palestinians. Israeli settlers are allocated 1,450 cubic meters of water per person per year.

3. Israel does not allow new wells to be drilled by Palestinians and has confiscated many wells for Israeli use. Israel sets quotas on how much water can be drawn by Palestinians from existing wells.

4. The Gaza strip relies predominately on wells that are being increasingly infiltrated by salty sea water because Israel is over-pumping the groundwater. UN scientists estimate that Gaza will have no drinkable water within fifteen years.

5. Many of the most important underground wellsprings in the West Bank are located just to the east of the Green Line dividing Israel from Palestine. Israel has built the Wall not only to annex land but also to annex many of these wells in order to divert water to Israel and illegal West Bank settlements.

(and there are many more, so if you are interested, just look it up on the internet.)

“There is no reason for Palestinians to claim that just because they sit on lands, they have the rights to that water.” Mr. Katz-Oz, Israel’s negotiator on water issues. JOKE! ya Allah, mudahan Engkau memberi keterangan dihati orang ani!

it's incomprehensible to imagine such audacity can actually exist in today's world, especially on our end. we've never had to struggle for food. for shelter. for education. for clothing. for cars. for WATER. but fact is. there are unfortunate parts in this world that suffer from the resources that we are blessed with that often come to us on a silver platter. we live in this civilized world, how can people do this? how can people have so much darkness in their hearts to create their convenience in the expense of taking away the essentials of the weak and inferior? but i guess. it's not difficult to come up with an answer.

i feel so helpless. which makes me feel sadder about this situation. but more than anything. i pray that those who are wronged are able to smile. don't underestimate the simplest of gestures. a smile is charity right. but more so, a smile in the midst of a calamity implies that your contentedness lies with Allah. it means that you are able to believe, trust and love Him even though the going gets tough. and Insyallah Allah has bigger plans for the people of taqwa. The hardships that He grants you in this world does not mean that He does not love you or He does not hear you or He does not pay attention to you. He blesses you with hardships to get you through tests of faith and if we "pass", don't doubt, don't worry, don't falter.. He has promised you heaven. the rewards of heaven that will be forever. the rewards of heaven that cannot be measured by the greatest things in dunia. and believe. BELIEVE. that Allah fulfills His promises in the best way. if you disobey Him, He promised you hellfire and surely that day you are welcomed to the worst of punishments will come if He does not grant you His mercy. and if you are amongst the taqwa and iman... He promised you syurga. be it horrible or beautiful promises, He will grant them when the time calls.

can you imagine how the people are running their lives? how do they get by? the kids. the mothers. the elderly. ya Allah... mudahan Engkau memberikan mereka kekuatan. Allah has said in surah Insyirah. "so verily with every difficulty there is relief." Insyallah. if they are not given ease soon, Allah knows more what is best for them. and Insyallah their hardships are atonement for their sins. Insyallah.

i hope this gives birth to our awakening. we cannot afford to sleep. we have to wake up. we just have to hope and pray that the alarm rings sooner than later because who knows if we'll get later? and when it does ring.. don't snooze it. don't delay it. because we can't afford Your anger, Your disapproval, Your disliking. we can't afford them... we simply cannot. nobody can. our words may value to nothing, which is why we pray that You allow our actions to speak for us.

Please lend your 31 minutes.

2009-10-22T09:09:00.000-07:00

Masyallah. everything that came from this man's mouth came from Allah S.W.T. All praise be to Allah Azza Wajalla.

Some things that you may have thought about too or completely redundant opinions.

2009-10-21T17:00:00.000-07:00

Okay that is a long ass title. anyway i typed this out a while ago(with a few edits), you'll see just how old but i finally feel like posting so.

Warning: I might sound mean. I intend to hurt no feelings but if offense are taken, then I apologize in advance.

(Un)popular opinion 1: i find it kinda strange when someone 'likes' their own status on facebook.

(Un)popular opinion 2: I'm Malay. All malay. walaupun niniku punya nini punya nini punya bapa mama probably orang Arab. haha apakan, isn't it annoying when someone claims to be interracial just because their great great great great great great ancestors were not Malay? Yo. if your nini and parents are malay, you're malay. being 0.0000000000000000000000003% hispanic, chinese or arabic doesn't make you mixed.

(Un)popular opinion 3: The Proposal was okay (didn't meet whatever I was so gung-ho about). I didn't buy the comic chemistry between Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. Plus as gorgeous as I think she is, she's almost like a cougar for RR.

(Un)popular opinion 4: Family Guy kicks The Simpsons' ass. Hands down. or Southpark for that matter. but how i met your mother is the freaking shiz.

(Un)popular opinion 5: I hAteZ iT wEn YoU wRiteZ LyKs diZ, iT aC2uaLy mAKeS mE wAnNa kILl yOu.

(Un)popular opinion 6: Aku inda suka steamboat.

(Un)popular opinion 7: Miley Cyrus' party in the usa is super catchy. It creeps me out just saying that but I feel less of a hypocrite by admitting it.

(Un)popular opinion 8: Facebook status reads ".... is out." When I see that, you know what I'm actually reading? "....is screaming that he/she has an active social life." like wow, congratulations, that's what I strive for in this world, too.

(Un)popular opinion 9: you know, if you need to make University friends, do so. but if they're University friends who will drag you along with them to the gates of hell, say no thanks!

(Un)popular opinion 10: it doesn't necessarily mean one wants to be a historian or an archaeologist for studying History. Or become a politician just because one studies politics.

(Un)popular opinion 11: Capers wasn't as good as I remembered it a few months back. How sad is that. Okay wait no, there are far more significant disappointments in life.

(Un)popular opinion 12: It makes me cringe when you say/ask "Did I left my things at your house?"

(Un)popular opinion 13: british attempts to emulate american reality tv shows are complete neg. like entirely. i cannot stand having them on screen. ie my super sweet sixteen UK, bad enough to watch american kids complaining about their cutlery not being gold plated in their parties and having to hear thick ass british accents doing that is just. bad television.

(Un)popular opinion 14: we (myself included) often regard religion as a segment of life just as economics, politics, science, health, music, etc are. but if we do so, it implies that we regard Allah is only a segment of life. like as if implying Allah is only relevant in religion. which is a huge fallacy. Islam is life. islam is a way of life. we are not only muslims during prayers or religious affairs, we are, or at least we should be, muslims in money, in food, in science, in politics, and in every possible thing. (i know i have yet to work on this myself!)

(Un)popular opinion 15: laaaassssssttt but nootttt leassst. i no longer believe that democracy is the best thing in politics. democracy is not the saviour history and politics have implied to me, whilst it still can be, it can also be a villain.

Salam.

Not really a recap but this will do.

2009-10-13T11:45:00.000-07:00

Okay another filler post. I'm in my new home already and last weekend we had our house warming slash hari raya open house. and to be honest, i wasn't really looking forward to it because well, i was aware that it would be a bigger gathering than what we're used to here but alhamdulillah, Allah graced us with His blessings for things to go well and even fun :D So really it was lovely, tiring yes, but it was just so lovely. a day full of hilarity and wonderfun and success so thanks especially to fiisah, fahah, wiwi, wuzzy, wen yen, naj, jase :) but ofcourse thanks to all who came.

anyway yday marked the start of week 2. who's counting? =p but um. yea. it's so early, things seem to appear pre-determined. but i already really feel the surge of work coming my way. and judging by the way i worked last year, this time around would need about around 600% more effort. Seriously. 2-3 hours per module per day, sounds really ideal. but what is real. 30 mins for one module out of 4? that's joke. i procrastinate so much it's insane and ridik.

i'm not feeling too homesick. but i do miss home so incredibly much. and it hurts quite a bit to think that i will be missing home for about 9 months. but i dont know what will happen over the course of time so we shall just see. i do miss everyone though.. sigh sigh sigh! sometimes wish i wasn't so puah. heh. speaking of which, we have been trying to inject some bruneian words into fiisah. because the other day she was on the phone with someone trying to get to our house and i said "napa inda ya tetulus kah?" and then she put on this bangang face and said "huh? apakan tu? bukan macam tulus setulus ikhlas kah." Dui malai ku. (and to those of you who don't know what it means, don't bother googling! you'll never find it bahaha).

okay okay. i have a free day today but free does not mean free anymore. because free day means a permit to go to shopping. HUHIHUHI. no. free day unfortunately means free time to catch up with work and a week's worth of lectures. think i'll actually do this? Insyallah.

and i need to drag meself to leeds sometime soon. and somebody needs to be in brizzle tooooooo. *whistles*

Oh yarz. this weekend. not really excited about raya celebrations etc etc. but i look forward to seeing my jizaiyaz(yea we'll work out another name later). also i'm really sorry to be missing a what will be a bath madness heh heh. really want to be there but apparently can't be in two places at once? so count me in some other time, hanisah ab :)

Toodles Poodles x

(astaghfirullahalazim. cematu tia pulang =p Assalamualaikum bros and sis :))

get ready set nay.

2009-10-01T15:20:00.000-07:00

I wish I wouldn't be another student who's going to complain about coming back to Uni. We're lucky enough to come back for Uni, aren't we? But you know what, I am! I am going to complain! Okay maybe rant is a nicer term. TERM. that word reminds me of Uni. First TERM. October 5th. *WAILS*

the past few days i've been seeing people groan about coming back to lectures and everything, so I guess that reminded me where i'll be next monday and i just can't really be joyful at the thought of leaving this comfortable place and return to early mornings, quickie breakfast and frantic walks to lecture rooms and wait for the hour to roll and wait for the next lecture to come round. don't i paint a lovely picture. but i guess, it'll get easier. i mean yea it will. starting might just be a bit rough. and especially my brilliant and stubborn self going back at the last date possible, so i'll most likely be in cold turkey. like no time to transition from lazy to basically ready.

and what sets me *more* off is my new timetable. i would change it. here's why. i finish slightly late on friday (yes, i even have fridays :( ) and then i have a 9AM MONDAY. i mean come on right? oh and you guys know what. i only have TWO econs modules this year and i geeeetttttt aboouuuuuuut SEVEN hours weekly(excluding politics). wow i know, it's completely brilliant. like entirely my heartbeats are thumping in happiness.

But then again. On the other side of the coin. there's this voice that keeps telling me to shut it. and accept things readily and open heartedly. because this all came from Allah. even when it's just about timetable! haha. so when you complain, you are complaining the doings of Allah. and that is not right. i guess i'm just having a hard time thinking about leaving my family. still can't bear the thoughts of not being home until the next 9 months. it's like somewhere in this world just as fertilization occurs to impregnate a woman and only when her baby comes into this world, i'll be home. Insyallah, anyway.

so yes my summer is about to be a closed book. and i'm pretty happy with its content. and to conclude it with hari raya is just icing on the cake. it's been so super lovely; first two days were blissful. and btw i realized that i haven't been going to that many houses as i previously thought. i haven't even gone to my uncles and aunts' on my real mom's side. and well my dad's side, doesn't really count, cos ive seen them tonnes (hehe i feberitism with my bapa's side).

and as i have a few more days left. i naturally have mixed feelings about leaving. it doesn't really matter what date i'm due to leave, this heavy feeling will never subside. but hopefully it won't take me long to resettle. Insyallah it will be fine. wow second year eh? well here's to reinventing my purpose.

Farewell.

2009-09-20T08:56:00.001-07:00

ramadhan.

you are a solace. you are a grace. you are the holiest of month. you are the noblest of times. your kindness is... unspeakable. you are truly a beautiful gift from Allah. you are repentance.

i wonder now if we will ever meet again. that is uncertain and unknown. but i pray that i do because 30 days to be in your presence does not come near enough. i feel remorseful for the times that i have neglected your promises. but i cherish the times that i seek your graceful rewards.

Muhammad had said that he wished that everyday was you. and i can't imagine what you had meant to him. He must have been much, much, much kinder to you. it was you on the 17th, the Quran was brought to him by Allah's decree. that has made you special an infinity times. Even when you left, his devotion to Allah did not waver. as we are much more prone to. i feel dismayed at how we treat you. a lot of us misunderstand your purpose but the portion of who comprehends, shall Allah be pleased with them.

you have brought a myriad of beauty. you have cleansed our hearts. you have shown us light. you have corrected our misdoings. you have shown us our own reflection. the time when we figure out who we are without syaitan's games.

but now as you depart. are we able to continue this journey until you arrive 365 days later. but will i still be here? will this world still exist? uncertainties. but what is certain is. you are one of Allah's graces. you are one of His significant signs to mankind. you are one of His greatness. Masyallah, Ramadhan...Allah has blessed us through you. and all your attributes come from Allah. your goodness is from none other than Allah.

when i praise you. i praise Allah. when i thank you. i thank Him. so what you have given me and what i have achieved from you. all is derived from Allah. Syukran Ramadhan. in case, we don't meet again. i pray that you speak for me. on the day I am questioned.

i'm not sad. it just feels very heavy to see you leave. but as everything.. this is the decree of Allah. you have fulfilled your promises. Insyallah we have done the same, or at least the best we could. Farewell.

Syawal. you are His blessing too. so you shall be welcomed with open arms. and you represent victory. i'm just not sure if i'm one of thee to be celebrated for.

(i hope your Ramadhan was amazing. let's pray that our deeds were accepted and kena redhai oleh Allah. and Insyallah He will meet us with the future Ramadhans. I look forward to you!)

Sejadah is where the booth is.

2009-09-15T16:00:00.000-07:00

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. I hope with that, I won't stumble upon my words and not express anything that is in the wrong. Anyway here goes.

It was something that I never used to question. I was taught that we as Muslims are required to pray five times a day and I accepted it. This is regardless of me not fulfilling this duty everyday sometime ago, that's not the question. yet. But so there was no question about it. I didn't really ponder why and what the purpose was, except for the explanation that were given to me on the surface, let them be by my teachers, my parents, my grandparents, my aunts/uncles, etc. In other words, I sort of just took this at its face value.

I might not fully grasp what it is all about yet. I speak this as today. However as I have been growing up with various life experiences, Allah has given me a little of an enlightenment as to what solat should mean to me. And I say that as the weakest hamba Allah. Going back to my interpretation of sembahyang before... it was not something that I made pivotal in my life regretfully. Sometimes, I'd pray. Other times, I just wouldn't. And probably a lot of times, I'd crumple Zuhur and Asar together or Maghrib and Isyak together (by praying late in Zuhur just so in time for Asar tarus so I don't have to do things twice, catch my drift). I thought, you know, there, inda payah dua kali keraja =s. Karang malas lagi. And then there's the ever so famous 'been there done that' story of how you seek Allah by never missing your prayers and adding Hajat prayers when your exam is near or when we are faced with some hardship. How foolish right!! That was the level of shallowness that I had regarding sembahyang. But might I add that, it is ofcourse not wrong to seek Allah when your exams are near or when we're faced with hardships. If not Allah, who else do we seek? Allah is our unwavering friend, so long as we keep seeking Him. He is not comparable to our parents, sebesar-besar mana our parents have helped us in our life, besar dan agung lagi pertolongan Allah arah ketani. Sebaik mana kawan ketani, baik lagi Allah akan kami. He is the companionship that we need all the time. But so yeah, not wrong to seek Him during all of those times. What's wrong with that is our niat. Praying not because of Allah is wrong. And leaving Allah when the rainbows start showing is wronger than wrong. Tapi ini lah manusia. Kita senang alpa dengan kesenangan dan kemewahan, hanya bila susah baru ternangis-nangis mencari pertolongan. I've been there too so I know how it is. And that is jahiliah.

Then one day. Someone asked me. Of all the things that Allah has blessed you with, how have you thanked Him? How have you shown thanks? I was caught off guard. I wasn't uncomfortable because of that person asking me, but it was the fact that I really didn't know how I thanked Him for giving me life. And we can all agree that it is the biggest gift you could ever receive and one that cannot be granted by anyone other than Allah. Do we say thank you, is that enough? We say thank you to Allah just as we say thank you to someone who lends us an umbrella on a rainy day? Oh how we dare do that? How dare we scale the latter's magnitude to the Honor and Nobility of the former? Whether we realize this or we don't. It doesn't suffice to say Alhamdulillah. Ofcourse it's a good thing that we say Alhamdulillah like right after we eat or we hear some good news, etc, etc. But is that where it ends?

So sembahyang to me, is showing our thanks to our Lord. To show and agree that He is the only one worthy of worship. That He is the only one that is capable of everything. To surrender to His decrees and ask for His forgiveness and love. Believe that everything, minute or mega, comes from Allah. It's not just about fulfilling my duty as a Muslim. It's saying thank you Allah for enabling me to wake up to another healthy day. It's saying thank you Allah for maintaining my five senses of sight, taste, touch, hear and smell. It's saying thank you Allah for granting me this family and blissful life. It's saying thank you Allah for giving me Islam. It's saying thank you Allah for giving me the opportunity to learn to distinguish between what is light and what is darkness. And this list goes on and on. And might I even say, praying five times a day is still not sufficient to show our gratitude to Allah the Almighty. Allah the Powerful. Allah the one with Most Honour and Most Noble. And as we always are told, as much as we try, we will never be able to live up to the highest of iman. But ofcourse this fact is not supposed to be discouraging! It's supposed to be motivational. This is not in the same context when someone tells you that you'll never be able to study until phd (implying that you're too dumb to be capable of such a task). When it is said that we'll never clear ourselves from complete sin and full good deeds, it means that we're flawed humans that should continually strive in search of keredhaanNya. So we will not get complacent and think "oh man I'm so beriman, I will defo go into the doors of heaven. I do this everyday and I don't do this, like all of other people, gerenti Allah loves me, no doubt." Doesn't that sound incredibly dense? And believe me, despite being created sebaik-sebaik makhluk by Allah, we are so full of weaknesses and flaws that the probability of us allowing to feel complacent is higher than we think. May it be complacency in terms of iman, may it be complacency in academic aspects or whatever.

Okay going back to my initial point. I read this phrase in some forum sometime ago. It was stated in this person's signature I think. It felt light to read. It said "if you want to talk to Allah, perform your prayers. If you want Allah to talk to you, read the Quran." Isn't that simplicity? Maybe you would think that that's quite obvious. But I have seriously never thought about it in that perspective. But once you do.. it's like wow. You want to talk to Allah in the best manner possible. And that is also what sembahyang is also about. And by sort of communicating with Allah, dengan sendirinya ketani akan mendekatkan diri denganNya. That itself is another purpose. Aside from expressing our syukur to Him, it's a means of us continually asking Him for forgiveness to match our continually performances of sins. and as He has repeatedly told us in the Quran that He will continue to forgive you for your continuous sins as long as you continually ask for His forgiveness. Allah Maha Pengampun, MasyaAllah.

As I also keep hearing and indeed sembahyang is like the tiang that you need when you begin building a house so it will be able to stand properly. Our prayers shall protect us from committing sins and ofcourse I don't mean when someone prays 5 times a day, never miss, he will not sin ever again. That's not our nature. I mean we'd like that to be, how we wish that's the case. But no. But it makes praying all the more necessary. If we are prone to committing sins whilst consistently performing prayers, how much more prone would we be to sins whilst not praying?

Also remember that our prayers will save us. The prayers that Allah SWT accept. The day in our grave when we get questioned by the angels. When they ask about our God, and our deeds that synchronized our faith in Allah and islam. our prayers will speak for us. believe in this day. whole heartedly. it will come. and the fact that Allah has given you another day today only means that He is giving you chances after chances to repent =') He hasn't given us another day to add more weight to our sins. He does the opposite. So which one do we want to do? Remember that Allah tidak menzalimi hamba-hambaNya. Malahan mereka sendiri yang menzalimi diri mereka. ='(

Allah ani lagi Maha Pemurah. Inda abis-abis di barinya tani chance. He has blessed us with Ramadhans after Ramadhans. When we perform our wajib prayers, He grants us 70 more times the pahala than the non-Ramadhan times. How gracious? I mean what have we done to deserve such favour? Nothing, I believe yet He has constantly given us His blessings. Masyallah. And for us to ignore them and throw it away like it shouldn't affect us? Instead, we indulge in all these worldly matters that create a facade of happiness to fulfill our lonely souls. Our souls are lonely. that is why we are constantly on the pursuit of something... something that we try so hard to find, to achieve happiness. to fulfill that hollow, empty feeling. why must we look so far. feed our lonely soul with our love for Allah and Insyallah that is sufficient as He is the disposer of all of our affairs.

Not to mention again.. betapa iblis berada di dalam kekalahan bila umat Muhammad menunaikan sembahyang :) apatah lagi kalau berjemaah :)

RASULULLAH S.A.W: "Hai iblis! Apabila umatku mendirikan solat, bagaimanakah keadaan engkau?"

raja iblis : "Itulah sebesar-besar kesusahan kepada hamba. Gementarlah seluruh badan hamba dan lemahlah tulang sendi hamba, maka pada waktu itu, hamba menyuruh puluhan syaitan iblis menggoda setiap orang yang hendak bersolat menerusi anggotanya supaya malas bersolat dan hatinya supaya was-was dalam solatnya serta terlupa bilangan rakaatnya. Jika sekelian iblis berkenaan gagal menggoda seperti yang demikian, nescaya mereka akan hamba hukum seberat-beratnya.

Must feel pretty amazing to beat his(iblis) ass. right? the ball is in our court. so which team do we wanna score for? :)

And ofcourse there are many more countless blessings that are contained in prayers. ones that I have not even discovered yet. Insyallah Allah will guide me onto the right paths and shan't I falter especially on the day that i return to Him. Insyallah same goes to you.

notably, may it be known to you the death of umar ibn al-khattab, when he was stabbed six times with a dagger as he was praying, he did not scream and cry in pain, as we probably would. instead he recited Allah and asked people around him if his prayers was complete. :') Masyallah. there was no care for him in his last moments of life but his affairs with Allah. such faith and strength that man held is beyond my comprehension. one that we all just pray to possess even a tenth of. may Allah be pleased with him, umar, who has brought glory to islam. =') Masyallah. atu baru sahabat Nabi. apatah lagi Muhammad SAW sendiri. Masyallah.

So when we do pray five times a day, Insyallah, the next step is to jaga them. Apa gunanya sembahyang lima kali sehari kalau tidak diterima Allah? Mudahan ibadat ketani akan di pelihara dan di terima oleh Allah. Amin. And on that note, I quote a song, it aint my intention to preach but by sharing thoughts I might find some peace here.

Help me find the right way out of this life's maze.

2009-09-12T23:58:00.000-07:00

EDIT: ok this post is kind of old. But old doesn't mean stale so hopefully it's still worth a read. and I changed the post title.

This world leaves me breathless. In ways that are neither good nor bad. It arouses confusion and challenges my perception on everything. I ponder about what is right and what is wrong. Sometimes I convince myself that my definition of right and wrong all this while had been inaccurate. Other times, I don't know what to think. But you know, thinking is not a bad thing. Thinking too much still might not be all that bad. It's not bad when you think so much about akhirat but it certainly is burdening to think too much about dunia. Because the former is forever and the latter is a dimension you will leave sooner or later and of which we will have no remnants of when we return to our creator. It's too bad that I unnecessarily burdened myself all of these years then.

I think a lot of things in this world have gone wrong. That much is probably easy to see and say. But what is difficult to spot most of the time is. how much have I contributed to the wrongs? Other peoples' flaws will always be noticed by us, which is probably why we're always so quick to judge and backbite other people. it's the easiest thing to do. you just pick one random person in this world. and say bad things about that person. done. other people's goodness are hard to find. it's easier to confront other people's shortcomings than our own. it's easier to talk about other people's wrongs than our own. it's easier to laugh and make fun of other people than ourselves? Our own mistakes, on the other hand, are not that obvious. I'm biting my own tongue when I say this, trust me. We all acknowledge that we're not perfect blah blah but which area needs improvement? What can we do to better ourselves? Like my good friend, hanisah ab had gently reminded me in her post, we must always think the lowest of ourselves. That way, we'll always try to push ourselves to become better people. I don't interpret this as a way of bringing ourselves down and having no confidence in ourselves. But this shall be a humble feature that we should ingrain in ourselves so we protect us from thinking bad about other people perhaps? let's remind ourselves mengapakah perasaan sombong dan bongkak itu buruk? kerana ia adalah tingkah laku iblis. that is the way he acted when Allah asked segala malaikat, jin dan segala makhluk to prostate to nabi Adam. we all know that story. anyway it's not my intention to preach but this is mostly to create a reminder for everyone mostly myself so I stress. But the sadder part has to be when we don't realize the things we hate/dislike about other people are present in our very ownselves :(

I feel like a hypocrite. Ofcourse I do. That's probably one of the worst things you can describe yourself, but I think so. But anyway that doesn't make me want to give up though. I can't eliminate my faults in one go, maybe I can do it gradually day by day. I'm still figuring things out everyday. as you probably are too. we all are weak. we take forward steps today, we will walk backwards again the next day. but Insyallah forward steps >>>>backward steps.

But going back to what I was saying at the start of this post. you only live once. that's what they always say. so live it to the fullest. they say again. what did they mean? study hard til phd, so i can be someone respectable in society? work hard so I can earn tonnes of cash? socialize hard so i gain a dense network of friends, so I become popular?

nay. i will never bring my economics into akhirat. as i will not bring cash and property to the hereafter. i will not remember any of my family and friends in akhirat as they also will not recognize me. our journey is never ending til the day we die, and we have the liberty to choose how we want to get "there" but our destination should not vary. it's up to you to interpret what that means :)

As ush, speaking to myself before anyone else. Salam.

2009-08-25T01:18:00.000-07:00

What we see is deemed normal. What we don't see is deemed abnormal.

What is bad becomes good or okay when we see too much of it already. What is good becomes fodder for skepticism.

We preach for change all the time. But come to think of it, change is what corrupted us in the first place.

Do you want to ponder over these quotes?

It's time to cut our losses.

2009-08-21T23:58:00.000-07:00

Salam :)

It goes without saying that progressively our world is increasingly becoming easy. Easy in the sense where things and tasks become more convenient and perhaps more efficient. We are better equipped with research and development, knowledge, technologies, etc. Peoples in our generation had found cures to many diseases that peoples in past eras had died easily from. Peoples in our generation had achieved so many other great things that make this world more modern and civilized. As many people like to say we are so lucky, we are offered a range of things that make our lives better when compared to those who lived in previous times. Alhamdulillah. Yes, Allah telah mengurniakan ketani dengan pelbagai nikmat. Aku syukur. Ketani perlu syukur. Sudahtah Dia mencipta ketani dengan sebaik-baik makhluk, ani lagi di bagiNya ketani... namun cemani jua masih keadaan tani? Bari bangang sudah di pikir-pikirkan.

Anyways that's not the point. Well that is the point. But I'm trying to deliver a paradox here. The more modern and "civilized" we get, the further we drift away from Allah. Is that lucky? No. And when I think back to what I have mentioned above... lucky kah kami ani? Awu, memang. Tapi to what extent? Walaupun segala yang ketani nikmati selama ani datang dari Allah, segala barang-barang dunia ani lah yang melemaskan ketani dan menjauhkan ketani daripada pencipta ketani. We are so distracted. Membutakan banar-banar tah. Allah memberi ketani segala yang nyaman-nyaman di dunia ani mesti ada kebaikannya, no doubt... tapi yatah it's our job to fight nafsu ketani yang berlebih-lebihan... well my interpretation is macam Allah sudah membagikan ketani sesuatu yang "baik" ah dari segi benda dunia lah ah... but we should not take ALL of it cause if we do, we will be too consumed with it, it atu dunia lah. We should take the good that Allah offers us, and Allah bagi ketani akal bah untuk memikir mana satu baik, mana satu jahat... tapi sayangnya.. pengertian baik dan jahat ketani ani sudah tercemar.. oleh kerana iblis sentiasa mengotori hati ketani. Take me, for example, I cannot deny that walaupun sudah berfikiran cemani, ada banyak keduniaan yang I still indulge in, inda kira subconsciously or otherwise, so yatah mesti di tackle bit by bit Insyallah. Like Allah berikan kurnia ketani tidur nyaman, tapi jangan labih-labih sampai subuh tinggal, cematu lah one example lah ah.

The past week, I have been learning bits and bits about sejarah Nabi Muhammad. Yatah macam... ya Allah... inda terkata... macam... Masyallah... selama ani... aku macam look up to so many celebrities or orang-orang lain yang kononnya hebat lah segala etc, ofcourse lah ah dari damit sudah tau pasal Nabi Muhammad tapi macam.. setakat belajar sikit-sikit arah sekolah ugama, mendengar cerita orang etc. Tapi Ya Allah... Nabi Muhammad ani.. suci bah. Atu pun sudah understatement lah actually. You can't even describe his personality, his heart, his whole charisma, his everything because no word can suffice... no word can justify what kind of human being he was. Masyallah... suci... sempurna... I'm really touched lah basically, by his life. Macam sudah baca and mendengar segala cerita-cerita Nabi Muhammad, you can't help but feel... Masyallah... aku berada di dalam kerugian kerana tidak hidup di era Nabi Muhammad... not that I am against Allah's wishes and desires that I exist in this era instead.. tapi perasaan rugi atu bah.. macam... wow... kehidupan Nabi Muhammad bersama sahabat-sahabatnya... Masyallah... I'm impressed? That's not even a good word to describe it. Terharu dengan pergobanan mereka... it's like.. Ya Allah.. they had such purity in their hearts that we can't even imagine to have gone through what they did...ketani ani... ya Rabbi... apakan.. tutup karan sudah macam palau mengomplain. Ya Allah. Ampunkanlah dosa-dosa kami dan semoga kami termasuk dalam golongan-golongan beriman kepadaMu.

So I guess in a way, keadaan untung ketani at the same time.. keadaan kerugian... only it is up to us either to milk WHICH profits and WHICH losses. Obviously I am speaking to myself before I speak to anyone else sebab when diri ani meliat ke arah cermin... banyak kesalahan masih.. banyak dosa kelmarin, hari ani dan besok... hati balum lembut lagi... tapi Insyallah we all will be guided towards jalan Allah. Ramadhan has begun, so together, we make use of this bonus month that Allah so gracefully granted us... ingat tah ketani saja.. semua iblis dan syaitan di ikat dan di tapuk selama sebulan ani.. segala kejahatan yang ketani buat dalam bulan Ramadhan atu ketani tah punya salah tu, jangantah kan salahkan iblis saja.. atu nafsu sendiri... so Insyallah we will fight this nafsu because as I have been told in the kursus it is the biggest battle that we will ever encounter.. a battle with one ownself. It's scary though when I think of it, how whatever evil that I may conduct in this holy month is actually my own doing, uninfluenced by syaitan.

Sometimes though sudah terkenang kisah-kisah Nabi atu memang rasa sebak kan apa.. tapi bida jua sudah insaf mun sekadar seminit ani ah? and like ofcourse words don't mean anything without action to validate them. Yatah mesti tegap iman ani nya orang.. Insyallah... Mesti pakai tudung! Insyallah. Amin.

Alhamdulillah the kursus fiqh musafir that officially ended on Thursday was a success. When I heard that it was going to be at IPA (pasal ingat masa scholarship orientation), I immediately thought omaaaaaaadazzzzeeee.... apa ini.... gerenti.. duduk arah kerusi panggilan yang merah atu mengantuk-mengantuk mendangar ceramah yang duduk2 arah kerusi di podium... thinking that it would be better if it was more intimate, macam bukan ceramah tapi discussion pasal Islam lah ah... but what happened was... the setting of the room was appropriate but (walaupun ada sekali atu I was so sleepy that afternoon) inda terjadilah like what I thought, it was effective, let's just say. Jazakumullahu Khayran kepada ustaz dan ustazah yang telah menyampaikan pengajaran Islam kepada kami lah ah... and also to those who helped to make the event happen. Alhamdulillah. Insyallah the ilmu that we were injected with within the very short three days, will not easily flow out lah... Insyallah ilmu itulah diantara yang akan kami mempergunakan untuk membuatkan diri dan keluarga dan kawan-kawan kami bekalan untuk akhirat. Amin.

Selamat menyambut bulan Ramadhan guys :D I'm sorry if ever either my words or doings in the past or now had/have offended you. Allah is the Most Forgiving, even the biggest sin one can commit as long as one repents.. ani tah kan dosa between our Muslim brothers and sisters kan? :D Salam.

50

2009-08-12T00:12:00.000-07:00

i feel very half and half right now like 0.5 of me wants to be serious and the other 50 wants to laugh about something. how fitting. never mind that.

i don't know if any of you are counting but summer is just about half done. and that includes 8202314721747124219483474321429171 meals and a lot of fun times. so that's okay right. I chose not to make an effort to find work this time and I haven't gone anywhere since I came home... which is fine.. cos I'm not really the type who itches to travel that kind of thing, just not that adventurous and you know, I travel when I travel. But should probably squeeze some of that when I go back to the UK, Insyallah.

ramadhan is coming soon. Should be very rewarding :) Insyallah Taala. you know, as I think about it, as lazy as this summer has been for me, there has been a lot of self reflection taking place. which is productive defo. you probably think that that's me trying to make myself feel better but no, it really is. I've been trying to excavate what this life is about and what lessons to take and that sort of stuff. probably doesn't make sense when you read this, it's a personal experience. and I'd like to think I grew up a little bit... let's face it, I need a lot of that. not self degradation, but you know, self criticism. reminder. whatever you wanna call it.

but this summer has turned out kind of funny in a way. a way that it turned out how i expected it to be but funnily, in some ways, it hasn't been what i thought it would be. heh. all in all, syukur Alhamdulillah.

also, happy birthday to Kaka Wani, abang Jirs, kaka Amal, Unggal and Ilyasa. August is always about you guys and you all are freaking awesome and may Allah bless you and me for having you guys in my life <3.

oh. um. as hanisah ab has posted in some of her recent entries, or 2 weeks ago, there will be a kursus fiqh musafir which stretches from august 18th to the 20th. which is also spreading across facebook at this time now anyway. but good right. it's about time we have this kind of event filling in our page instead of some black and white or foam or school's out summer party shez. heh. so i hope you guys come because you have nothing to lose but much to gain. Insyallah it will be fruitful, hopefully i see some of you faces there.

Graduation.

2009-07-23T07:32:00.000-07:00

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I CAN'T HELP BUT GUSH. MY SUPER DUPER FAVOURITE COUSIN IN THE ENTIRE WORLD GRADUATED TODAY =DDDDDDDDDD SAYANG, SAYANG, SAYANG BERABIS <33333333333333

Ok, let's make a testimonial for you, wonderful person! I've known Kaka Amal all my liiiiiife ofcourse. She was the Kimberly in our Power Rangers team huhuhu. I can't look back at our childhood with any regret or sadness, because she is seriously one of the best people to grow up with alongside my wonderful sister and brother. How amazing can one person be to still want me in their life even after I gigit her back sampai red *malu* All I can say is that I feel blessed to have you in my life <3

What a wonderful photo <3 I LOVE YOU. (i stoles this from your FACEBOOKZ, i hope yer dont mind) LOVELEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. MWAH MWAH. We're all so proud of youuuuuu.

BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. MAY ALLAH REWARD YOU WITH MORE WONDERFUL BLESSINGS IN THE FUTURE, WONDERFUL SOUL <3

Some forwarded emails are worth reading heh!

2009-07-07T23:03:00.000-07:00

Hello. Salam. I have a few old emails to share with all of you. These are as old as when I was in form 2, I think. So most of you have probably read these before but hey, read them again! These emails are very light yet sweet, I hope you will take something from reading them.

>As you got up this morning, I watched you, and hoped you would talk to me, even if it was just a few words, asking my opinion or thanking me for something good that happened in your life yesterday. But I noticed you were too busy, trying to find the right outfit to wear. When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say hello, but you were too busy. At one point you had to wait, fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought you wanted to talk to me, but you ran to the phone and called a friend to get the latest gossip instead. I watched patiently all day long. With all your activities I guess you were too busy to say anything to me.

>

>I noticed that before lunch you looked around, may be you felt embarrassed to talk to me, that is why you didn't bow your head. You glanced three or four tables o! ver and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn't. That's okay. There is still more time left, and I hope that you will talk to me yet. You went home and it seems as if you had lots of things to do. After a few of them were done, you turned on the TV. I don't know if you like TV or not, just about anything goes there and you spend lot of time each day in front of it not thinking about anything, just enjoying the show. I waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate your meal, but again you didn't talk to me.

>

>Bedtime I guess you felt too tired. After you said good night to your family you popped into bed and fell asleep in no time. That's okay because you may not realize that I am always there for you. I've got patience, more than you will ever know. I even want to teach you how to be patient with others as well.

>

>I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod, prayer or thought or a thankful part of your heart. It is hard to have a one-sided conversation. Well, you are getting up once again. And once again I will wait, with nothing but love for you. Hoping that today you will give me some time. Have a nice day!

>

>Your friend, ALLAH

It's an understatement to call Allah a friend, because He is obviously more than that. He is our creator, the creator of all. But still, it contains a signigficant reminder because I have been that person. You have been that person. One of our biggest failures is that we fail to see that worldly matters are secondary. We miss the primary purpose of our existence. Dunia and akhirat are two ends of a spectrum and I think our dunia is excessive when weighed against akhirat. You know, we have been constantly told that Allah SWT is the most forgiving and He will wait for you. But seek Him as soon as possible because you don't know how much time you have left in this world. Seek Him and He will seek you. which brings me to the second email...

>>A man went to a barber shop to have his hair and his beard cut as always. He started to have a good conversation with the barber who attended him. They talked about so many things and various subjects. Suddenly, they touched the subject of ALLAH. The barber said "Look man, I don't believe that ALLAH exists as you say so." "Why do you say that?" Asked the client. Well, it's so easy, you just have to go out in the street to realize that ALLAH does not exist. Oh, tell me, if ALLAH existed, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If ALLAH existed, there would be no suffering nor pain. I can't think of a ALLAH who permits all of these things." The client stopped for a moment thinking but he didn't want to respond so as to prevent an argument. The barber finished his job and the client went out of the shop. Just after he left the barber shop he saw a man in the street >>>>>with a long hair and beard (it seems that it had been a long >>>>>time since he had his cut and he looked so untidy). Then the client again entered the barber shop and he said to the barber." know what? Barbers do not exist." "How come they don't exist?"-asked the barber. "Well I am here and I am a barber." "No!" - the client exclaimed. "They don't exist because if they did there would be no people with long >>>>>hair and beard like that man who walks in the street." "Ah, barbers do exist, what happens is that people do not come >>>>>to me." "Exactly!"- affirmed the client. "That's the point. ALLAH does exist, what happens is people don't go to Him and do not look for Him that's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

I LOVE THIS ONE. It's so spot on. This email really just implies to the skeptics out there thinking that if Allah is really the most forgiving and kind, why has He allowed such hardship in the world - it's a superficial concept about God, really. The reason why there is so much pain and suffering in the world is not only because people do not come to Allah.. because fact is.. even people who are the most devoted and loyal to Allah suffer pain and sufferings. Allah tests our faith by granting us pain and sufferings so we should not be misled into thinking that when we are tested with such calamity, Allah doesn't love us or start thinking that life is unfair and everything. Because whether Allah grants us wonderful things or unfortunate ones in life.. either way they are His blessings. So we should always be thankful, even when we suffer from unfortunate events. It's not easy, which is why it is a challenge but if we ingrain that belief and faith in our hearts, Insyallah we will take everything, (positive and neg) that will be given to us with much ease and comfort.

Apakah Tuhan itu ada?

>Ada seorang pemuda yang lama sekolah di negeri paman Sam kembali ke
> > tanah air. Sesampainya dirumah ia meminta kepada orang tuanya untuk
> > mencari seorang Guru agama, kyai atau siapapun yang bisa menjawab 3
> > pertanyaannya. Akhirnya Orang tua pemuda itu mendapatkan orang
>tersebut.
> >
> > Pemuda: Anda siapa? Dan apakah bisa menjawab pertanyaan-pertanyaan
>saya?
> > Kyai : Saya hamba Allah dan dengan izin-Nya saya akan menjawab
>pertanyaan
> > anda
> > Pemuda: Anda yakin? Sedang Profesor dan banyak orang pintar saja
>tidak
> > mampu menjawab pertanyaansaya.
> > Kyai : Saya akan mencoba sejauh kemampuan saya
> > Pemuda: Saya punya 3 buah pertanyaan
> >
> > 1. Kalau memang Tuhan itu ada, tunjukan wujud Tuhan kepada saya
> > 2. Apakah yang dinamakan takdir
> > 3. Kalau syetan diciptakan dari api kenapa dimasukan ke neraka yang
>dibuat
> > dari api, tentu tidak menyakitkan buat syetan Sebab mereka memiliki
>unsur
> > yang sama. Apakah Tuhan tidak pernah berfikir sejauh itu?
> >
> > Tiba-tiba Kyai tersebut menampar pipi si Pemuda dengan keras. Pemuda
> > (sambil menahan sakit): Kenapa anda marah kepada saya?
> > Kyai : Saya tidak marah...Tamparan itu adalah jawaban saya atas 3
>buah
> > pertanyaan yang anda ajukan kepada saya.
> >
> > Pemuda: Saya sungguh-sungguh tidak mengerti
> >
> > Kyai : Bagaimana rasanya tamparan saya?
> > Pemuda: Tentu saja saya merasakan sakit
> > Kyai : Jadi anda percaya bahwa sakit itu ada?
> > Pemuda: Ya
> > Kyai : Tunjukan pada saya wujud sakit itu !
> > Pemuda: Saya tidak bisa
> > Kyai : Itulah jawaban pertanyaan pertama: kita semua merasakan
>keberadaan
> > Tuhan tanpa mampu melihat wujudnya.
> >
> > Kyai : Apakah tadi malam anda bermimpi akan ditampar oleh saya?
> > Pemuda: Tidak
> > Kyai : Apakah pernah terpikir oleh anda akan menerima sebuah tamparan
>dari
> > saya hari ini?
> > Pemuda: Tidak
> > Kyai : Itulah yang dinamakan Takdir
> >
> > Kyai : Terbuat dari apa tangan yang saya gunakan untuk menampar anda?
> > Pemuda: kulit
> > Kyai : Terbuat dari apa pipi anda?
> > Pemuda: kulit
> > Kyai : Bagaimana rasanya tamparan saya?
> > Pemuda: sakit
> > Kyai : Walaupun Syeitan terbuat dari api dan Neraka terbuat dari api,
>Jika
> > Tuhan berkehendak maka Neraka akan Menjadi tempat menyakitkan untuk
> > syeitan.

Love this one too. Some people choose not to believe in God because God is something the living cannot see in its physicality hence choose to deny its existence. Things needed to be seen by the naked eye in order to make sense for some people. But He is obviously bigger than anything and everything. And I think this piece of email is a very good stand against that argument :)

I heart these three emails <3

There is no such thing as a modern Muslim.

2009-06-13T15:25:00.000-07:00

What do you think of when you hear "Modern Islam" or "modern Muslim"? I understand that some people label certain Muslims as modern by their behaviour and lifestyle. So I'm going to take that definition. And just recently, I realize how bigoted this misconception is. To no(or little) fault of the non-Muslims, they are just observing the image portrayed by Muslims that surround them.

"Have you no Muslim friends?"
"Yeah but they're kind of modern... they eat pork, don't fast and stuff, drink."
"I guess the younger generation doesn't really care anymore about religion."

Astaghfirullah. This terminology to me sounds absurd now. Modern Muslim... is apparently if you are Islam in name but does not wear tudung (pleading guilty =/), pakai baju sampai keluar susu, drink, eat pork, etc. EPIC FALLACY. that couldn't be further from wrong. if someone who is a Muslim, doesn't jaga aurat well, drinks alcohol, eat pork and does anything against Islamic teachings, they are simply BAD Muslims. It does not in any way mean that they are "modern". There is no classification of Muslims being "old-fashioned", "traditional", "modern", etc. Damn, I wish I had corrected them, but at that time, macam inda terlintas kan menjawab, it just immediately got me thinking into this.

The media has a pretty screwed up image of Islam, what with terrorism and the act of extremism that somewhat characterizes the religion, in their eyes. Yes, those who base Islam on violence and stereotyping every Muslim with bombs and anything to do with degrading women rights, are ignorant. But think of this. How much, have we, as Muslims tried to prove them otherwise? They form negative opinion of our religion because they saw all these bad traits coming off from Muslims so they must think "ahhh this must be what Islam preaches!" TRAVESTY. So, it is our responsibility to try and correct those people around us, may they know the truth and Insyallah if ALLAH SWT permits, their hearts will be open to Islam. This is definitely one area I need to work on.. if someone up front asks me anything about Islam.. stuff like "what can you do and what can you not do?" is probably more answerable but here comes the toughie.. "why do you have to....." or "why do some people wear tudung and others don't? why do YOU not wear one?" "what makes you think Islam is the right one?" Maybe you would think that, huh.. if you have trouble answering any of that, that probably means that you don't believe in it as much as you say you do. But the thing is, it's difficult trying to express your opinion when it comes to religion, if you say anything wrong especially if subconsciously, berdosa saja. It's not easy finding the right words. Suddenly, eloquency falls very short.

This also pretty much leads me to another issue about how some people think that Islam evolves according to time periods. I shamefully have let this thought cross my mind in the past because of all this dunia things injected in my head... "sekarang zaman modern sudah.. dapat blablabla" But it hit me.. what makes me think that Islam needs to adapt to globalization and civilization? Don't make Islam adapt to me, but make me adapt to Islam. Ya lah, easier said than done. Tapi Insyallah terbuka hati nanti untuk menerima hidayah dari ALLAH SWT.

So yeah I mean we must be kidding ourselves to the bone if we think that Islam is an evolution according to time periods. It's as if thinking that the Quran is being updated each time period. Or modified according to current lifestyle, tastes and fashion? FALSE. The teachings of Quran remain as it is, the day it was first descended to Nabi Muhammad SAW(Peace Be Upon Him) during the night of Lailatul Qadar (noted that Quran di turunkan secara beransur).

As promised, here are some more exercepts from the dialogue exchange between Nabi Muhammad SAW (Peace Be Upon Him) and iblis.

RASULULLAH S.A.W: "Hai iblis! Apabila umatku mendirikan solat, bagaimanakah keadaan engkau?"

raja iblis : "Itulah sebesar-besar kesusahan kepada hamba. Gementarlah seluruh badan hamba dan lemahlah tulang sendi hamba, maka pada waktu itu, hamba menyuruh puluhan syaitan iblis menggoda setiap orang yang hendak bersolat menerusi anggotanya supaya malas bersolat dan hatinya supaya was-was dalam solatnya serta terlupa bilangan rakaatnya. Mereka juga akan bimbangkan pekerjaan dunia dan hatinya hendak cepat-cepat menamatkan solatnya. Sesetengah iblis masuk ke dalam mata orang yang hendak bersolat supaya ia tidak kusyuk dalam solatnya sehingga mereka berpaling atau menjeling ke kanan dan kiri semasa solat. (Maka) tidaklah tetap hatinya serta hilanglah kusyuknya. Sesetengah iblis memasuki telinga orang yang bersolat supaya memasang telinga mendengar perbualan orang, bunyi-bunyian dan sebagainya - yang sia-sia belaka. Sesetengah iblis duduk pada belakangnya supaya orang yang bersolat itu tidak berupaya lama-lama semasa bersujud atau bertahiyyat. Di dalam hatinya sering bekehendakkan agar solatnya segera tamat dan ini tentunya akan mengurangkan pahala solat. Jika sekelian iblis berkenaan gagal menggoda seperti yang demikian, nescaya mereka akan hamba hukum seberat-beratnya.

Oh man. Countless times that I have lost myself to the tactics above. Praying only takes about less than one quarter of our day daily and yet I still can't devote the little time that I have with ALLAH SWT, such weakness. But maybe now that we've read this, we will try to remember that iblis is behind it and make him suffer by strengthening our iman. Insyallah Taala.

RASULULLAH S.A.W: "Apa pula rahsia engkau terhadap umatku?
raja iblis : "Jika seorang muslim ingin membuang air besar (ke tandas), jika tidak membaca doa kepada Allah SWT untuk mohon perlindungan daripada syaitan, nescaya hamba lumurkan najis itu ke tubuhnya tanpa disedari.

(Inilah doanya sebelum sampai ke tandas - Bismillahi AllaHomma Innii a uu dzubikaminal khubusi wal khobaa is jika masuk ke tandas, dahulukanlah kaki kiri dan jika keluar dari tandas dahulukan pula kaki kanan dan apabila jauh empat-lima langkah daripada tandas, dibaca di dalam hati GhufraanakalhamdulillaaHil

ladzii azHaba annil azaa wa aafinii dan apabila selesai bersuci dibacakan doa AllaaHumma ToHHir Qalbii minnifaaqi wahaSSin farjii minal fawaa hi shi )

Maka jika dibacakan doa-doa tersebut, larilah hamba daripadanya.

HOW SCREWED UP IS THAT? EVERY. SINGLE. THING. iblis tries to dirty us.. and this LITERALLY SO! So this basically implies that at every time and place, we should try to have ALLAH SWT in our minds constantly. Insyallah Taala.

RASULULLAH S.A.W: "Hai iblis! Di manakah kediamanmu?
raja iblis : "(hamba tinggal) Pada rumah berhala dan pada mana-mana batu, kayu, tembaga dan sebagainya (bahan pujaan) Apabila mereka menyembah (berhala, batu, kayu, tembaga dan sebagainya), maka hamba cenderungkan hati mereka supaya bertambah-tambah keyakinannya terhadap pekerjaan mereka (menyembah berhala) yang syirik itu. Betapa ramainya umat Tuan Hamba telah hamba pesongkan sehingga memasuki rumah berhala Majusi dan Hindu yang menunjukkan betapa nipisnya iman mereka.

RASULULLAH S.A.W: "Hai iblis! Di manakah tempat perhimpunanmu?
raja iblis : "Pada rumah wayang dan tempat majlis tarian dan seumpamanya seperti tempat percampuran lelaki dan perempuan (secara bebas)

I admit delusionally that I thought going clubbing was "okay" as long as you're there to just dance and just don't drink alcohol. Keep your intentions as they are. But that is completely naive and idiotic of me.. the act of dancing in a club (or probably anywhere else for that matter) itself is sinful and despite my non-intentions to drink or whatever, it still means stepping into "tempat perhimpunan" iblis, tempat maksiat. And besides, even if one intends to not do anything when stepping in... mun namanya tempat perhimpunan segala iblis dan syaitan.. apa lagi.. sanang bah tu kana hasut. Nauzubillah.

(The following one I quoted in a previous post but some of the dialogue confirms my point above.)

RASULULLAH S.A.W: Hai iblis! Bagaimanakah perbuatanmu kepada makhluk Allah SWT?

Kalau terdapat sesuatu pesta yang melibatkan pergaulan bebas lelaki dan perempuan, maka hamba akan menggoda bersungguh-sungguh supaya mereka kehilangan maruah, meminum arak dan mempengaruhi rakannya dengan cara paksaan supaya meminum arak sehingga hilang akal dan hilang rasa malu mereka. Lalu hamba hulurkan tali percintaan yang asyik sehingga terbuka beberapa pintu maksiat yang besar supaya mereka berhasad-dengki sehingga melakukan perzinaan.

Speaking to myself before anyone else, but as Muslims(even though most times we feel like we don't deserve to!), we all have binding responsibilities to remind each other of our Muslim responsibilities.

LOL 101

2009-06-09T01:55:00.001-07:00

Don't you find the word LOL so extremely overused? Obviously I use it too, and quite a lot. But at least it's in the right context. So I don't mind it but when people say lol at anything.....

Text 1: hey do you wanna grab lunch?
(after an hour or so)
Text 2: hey i'm so sorry, i just read your text, but i just had lunch. maybe some other time!
Text 3: it's ok lolol

................ o....k?

IM 1: i know right, i can't wait til this is all over! anyways.. i gotta go now, good night!
IM2: okay see u lol

My dad committed this offence once. We were talking on msn and he was telling me he needed to go....

Bapa says:
anyways have a good weekend yeah..gtg now will try to chat with you later...lol

........ wait. my dad knows LOL? That's so LOL. but wait that's not even right. And okay I was amused rather than "..." when I read that, thought it was really funny because it's my dad. And I didn't say anything to correct him. So, okay another MSN session some time later.....

Bapa says:
au yth bapa pun inda tau bila... btw, apakan lol ani?

........MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I really don't remember what I said back but my dad can use it in the right context now, I think.

But like, it's not even the fact that people don't know how to use "lol" (unless you're a dad. jokes) but it's rather people say it because they don't know what else to say? Well okay let me tell you something... when someone says to you over MSN that they wanna sleep or whatever, why don't you just reply "alright ok, good night." instead of "ok lol" I suppose it's out of habit. I mean one can even say, "Lol you're so pathetic lol" "I'm having such a bad day!" "Lol what happened? lol."

And it's rarely used in real life. Although I do say lol in real life, when something funny comes up but not too funny as to make me laugh out loud so the 'lol' kinda suffices. My cousin, Dina who's like 7 now, once said to me irl, "kaka masa atu ice skating kan sekali gugur? lol" hahahaha.

But like yeah Laughing Out Loud doesn't literally mean laughing out loud... (yes, I have a certain knack for stating the obvious) it only means literally laughing out loud when someone actually tells you that they just LOL-ed in real life.

Anyhoots exams are ovaaaa soooo WHAT TIME IS IT? summer, SUMMER, summer.

...Lol?

Exams.

2009-06-03T04:49:00.000-07:00

It is of great misunderstanding that I haven't put up any significant entry since the last one because I have been too busy with revision and exams to engage with the cyberworld. That is indeed a great error in judgment. I do not know why I often have the need to paint a picture of myself to all of you that I am not revising. I mean.. what does that constant revelation give off? Absolutely nothing. So I apologize if I have been shoving so much of my "OMG I'M SO LAZY, REVISION IS GOING UNWELL OMG HOW EXAMS ARE STRESS" down your throat. Okay I think that was another one. Okay. Moving on.

Significantly, today, I realize that my exams, as stressful and difficult the whole process feels, they aren't the real exams. Obviously the exams matter, but to a limited degree. Ilmu dunia. Menuntut ilmu is highly noble and wajib in Islam, given that an individual has the means. Tetapi... no matter how handal we are in studying segala yang melibatkan hal ehwal dunia... tanpa ilmu akhirat.. we aren't going very far. What matters the most is the exam that we go through daily that started since the day upon our arrival on Earth (birth) up til the day upon our departure (death). It feels like everyday we fail when we succumb to the seduction of iblis but selagi ALLAH memberikan kita masa di dunia, ertinya Dia memberikan ketani peluang untuk "pass". Adakah kita menggunakan peluang ini? Malu rasanya kan menjawab. Malu, bukan dengan kamu.. tapi malu dengan ALLAH.

I know we all know that Iblis is our enemy. Setiap saat, iblis ada membisik arah telinga ketani untuk membuat apa saja to make us deviate from ALLAH. Honestly.. I forget that iblis is always there to hasut us... until I receive dakwah mengenainya. Macam wow... iblis ani inda mau meninggalkan ketani selagi ketani inda ikut ia ke neraka. As much as we are aware of his doings, yet we still listen to him.. setiap hari ada saja dosa ketani buat.. inda payah ketani tanya kenapa. We can only pray to ALLAH to keep us away from jahiliah, berdoa supaya moga suatu hari Dia akan memberikan ketani hidayah dan petunjuk supaya ketani menjalankan kehidupan ketani sebagaimana diredhaiNya. Amin. Insyallah Taala.

So yeah.. we are being examed. We are put on this Earth for a reason. Such a basic reason, that a lot of times we just forget or completely oblivious to. Just think.. why do you think you have to sit for exams? To test your knowledge in the field of your studies and when you succeed, you are able to elevate to the next stage. ALLAH sentiasa menguji hambaNya... and I believe this truly, in which He will not put us through circumstances that He knows we can't handle. ALLAH Maha Mengetahui. Walaupun ketani inda suka kadang-kadang apa yang berlaku dalam hidup ketani, ALLAH lebih mengetahui... we can dislike something but it is actually good for us. Ada hikmah di sebaliknya. There is indeed a reason for everything. Everything and anything leads us back to ALLAH.

You know... whenever I post something like this, I always feel the need to justify something. I don't know if anyone reads this and might form an opinion that I am being hypocritical. I am the first one to admit that I am so far from being the one to give anyone advice atau teguran. Macam nada usul. But I just hope this message acts as a reminder to you. Most of all, it is a reminder for me. As I keep saying, I'm speaking to myself before anyone else. Like I said, setiap hari rasanya tergoda dengan iblis.. walaupun hati mau dengan ALLAH, our actions speak otherwise. Process mendekatkan diri kepada ALLAH, personally for me, bukan overnight. Kalau tah boleh, kan? Banyak lagi ruang for me to perbaikkan myself. Banyak rumpang-rumpang. Mudah lupa. Tapi Insyallah Taala, dengan izin ALLAH, ketani akan ada peluang untuk menjadi muslimin dan muslimat yang berada di sisiNya. Amin!

Below is an excerpt of a dialogue exchange when iblis di perintahkan ALLAH berjumpa Nabi Muhammad SAW (Peace Be Upon Him) untuk menjawab segala pertanyaan tanpa berbohong. There's many more, which I shall post in parts later.

RASULULLAH S.A.W: Hai iblis! Bagaimanakah perbuatanmu kepada makhluk Allah SWT?

raja iblis : Ya Nabi Allah, hamba goda perempuan-perempuan supaya merenggangkan kedua pahanya kepada lelaki yang bukan suaminya dan sesetengahnya hingga menghasilkan benih yang bersalah-salahan sifatnya. Hamba goda segala manusia supaya meninggalkan solat dan leka dengan makan-minum dan berbuat kemungkaran. Sesetengahnya hamba lalaikan dengan harta-bendanya daripada emas, perak, rumah dan ladang dan hasilnya dibelanjakan ke atas segala pekerjaan yang haram. Telah banyak kaum lelaki dan perempuan terpesong imannya menerusi tentera jin, iblis dan syaitan yang hamba perintahkan supaya menarik mereka ke jalan kemungkaran. Kalau terdapat sesuatu pesta yang melibatkan pergaulan bebas lelaki dan perempuan, maka hamba akan menggoda bersungguh-sungguh supaya mereka kehilangan maruah, meminum arak dan mempengaruhi rakannya dengan cara paksaan supaya meminum arak sehingga hilang akal dan hilang rasa malu mereka. Lalu hamba hulurkan tali percintaan yang asyik sehingga terbuka beberapa pintu maksiat yang besar supaya mereka berhasad-dengki sehingga melakukan perzinaan. Apabila lelaki dan perempuan berkasih-kasihan, maka terpaksalah mereka mencari wang menerusi tipu daya serta mencuri. Sekiranya mereka menyedari kesalahan masing-masing dan ingin bertaubat atau beramal-ibadat, hamba akan halang mereka sehingga mereka bertangguh dan bertempoh dalam berbuat kebajikan. Hamba juga akan menggoda dengan lebih kuat supaya melazimkan maksiat dan menyukai isteri orang. Maka telah ramai umat Tuan Hamba telah hamba sesatkan dengan jalan ini dengan bantuan jin, syaitan dan iblis di mana hamba menyuruh mereka menghasut seluruh anggota manusia hingga ke dalam tubuh badannya. Apabila mereka digoda pada hati, maka mereka akan sentiasa riak dan takabbur, ujub serta melengah-lengahkan amalnya dan berlaku sombong. Apabila mereka digoda pada lidah, maka sentiasalah mereka gemar berdusta, mencela dan mengumpat satu sama lain. Demikianlah hamba menghasut mereka semasa siang, malam, pagi dan petang.

Let's remember what we forget.

2009-05-17T11:08:00.001-07:00

Speaking to myself before anyone else when I say this...

But let's spare some time between the 24 hours that we have in a day to recite Ayat Kursi.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/918570/Ayatul-Kursi-Some-of-Its-Benefit

p-s a friend gave me said link so thank you.

Apa syukurmu kepadaNya?

2009-03-29T01:45:00.000-07:00

I think... everyday... subconsciously I think to myself what is the purpose of life. My mind throw several answers and I somehow just silently think yeah maybe that's it. The purpose of life is to live life to the fullest. The purpose of life is to serve a meaning in this world. The purpose of life is to embrace what you can get and enjoy it - don't be a coward and live in your own corner, don't be selfish with your own wants and needs - be happy, healthy and successful.

And then this morning, I realize that none of those mean anything. Suddenly the problems that I let occupy my mind and life seem so incredibly acute. They appear so minuscule when put next to the big thoughts I was washed over with. Our purpose of life is one and one only that is to serve as God's creation - sebagai Hamba Allah. What are my life problems when compared to what I have to face in later life and what answers do I give when asked about the sins that I have committed?

Allah has granted us many, many blessings - but what have we done to return the favor? Just one simple example of Him letting you live just another day, what have I done to thank Him? And apatah lagi for these 19 years? Apakah syukur yang telah ku berikan setelah segala yang dikurniakan Allah? That's a very good question posed to me this morning. It did leave me dumbfounded. 19 years, and 19 years.. you have all these accomplishments in life and yes, they are significant but they really mean nothing when I am no one in God's eyes. You know what I'm trying to say? Obviously I might as well be the last person to impose these questions on you, meaning macam rasanya inda layak menanya orang lain hal-hal Allah. But making you feel small is the least of my intentions, I just want to bring this across just like how someone has made me reflect upon the bigger picture. It might leave you unaffected, it might make you think, I don't know. I don't even know what effect it will give me in the long-term. So many times I have come across strong messages but continuity is always a problem of mine.

Dunia sangat lah indah. Kami hanya lah manusia yang mudah lupa dan berkenan kepada keindahan dunia. Kehidupan sungguh melalaikan dan bila manis, kami suka meraikannya dan mungkin itu membuatkan kami lebih jauh daripadaMu. Hanya bila kami bersedih dan berada dalam kesusahan, kami akan teringat padaMu dan meminta pertolongan dariMu. Ya Allah, berikanlah kami petunjuk agar kami menjalani kehidupan kami sebagaimana yang Engkau redhai. Amin.

Tapi aku juga sedar bahawa dunia ini penuh dengan kekejaman. Kerana syaitan berada di mana-mana, menanam perasaan hasad dengki dan pelbagai buruk, hina dan busuk di hati-hati manusia. Bila ku fikirkan adakah diriku sebahagian kekejaman dunia, hati rasa sungguh perit dan takut. Ya Allah, lindungilah aku serta keluargaku dan kawan-kawanku dari segala keburukan. Amin.

And what I am afraid most of is losing these thoughts the morning after I wake up tomorrow :S Like what I said about continuity earlier. I can question myself over and over but if I don't do what I'm supposed to, it leaves me nowhere lah. I thought to myself Insyallah, take baby steps. I cannot promise that I will jaga my aurat 100% or that I will pray 5 times a day for the rest of my remaining life - ofcourse I want to. I want to be near, I want to feel close to Allah and the only way to do that is to give yourself to Him and Him only. Allah sudah memberikan kita nikmat kehidupan, dan akhirnya aku akan kembali kepadaNya jua. Insyallah. Also, I cannot deny that I am thirsty, I crave for desire to have, want, unnecessary things in life. And I also realized that living in the UK makes it more challenging, as we often go on about how awesome London is and the place is almost literally limitless. Ia membutakan aku, kemewahan disana sungguh membutakan.

Insyallah. one month. 2 years. 7 years. 10 years. Insyallah Allah will let me be a better Muslimah in my lifetime and I pray the same for you. Amin.

Sometimes a movie isn't just a movie.

2009-02-26T00:19:00.000-08:00

I finally watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button yesterday and my God, I was crying for half of the movie! It was really long, but it wasn't painfully lengthy seeing that I really enjoyed the plot and mainly how they carried it through til the end. It was mostly sad in the beginning of the movie, from which he was born in a "very unusual circumstance". I really admire the character Queenie - for she truly believed that any baby regardless of physical or mental disability is a child of God. Which is why she took care of Benjamin when 4.8 out of 5 people in this world would not have been strong enough to do. (Benjamin's father had left him in a baby blanket and slipped in $18 in front of the porch of a nursing home.) It truly touched my heart; the relationship between Queenie and Benjamin especially the years when he was just growing up but as an old man.

It was only in the middle part of his life, that he got to live a bit more normally, I felt. I mean that was when I thought he enjoyed the course of his life best. I loved watching his experiences through life meeting those people he interacted with, I don't know.. maybe it was something to do with the genuineness of the character played by Brad Pitt. You could see that he wondered and questioned for most of his life why he was born the way he was, but at the same time.. he was accepting of it. Which is also, I thought, as one of the most admiring aspects of this movie.

I was also pleased that they somehow managed to redeem his father in the movie, before he died. I mean, well I don't think an act of abandoning your child is condoning but like how he came back and tried to forge a relationship with Benjamin; it was.. nice. Typically when an abandoned father tells the child 20 or so years later that he is the real father of him, the child would storm out of the room. But it was handled differently here, which was also refreshing.

Benjamin's relationship with Daisy was one of the central plots, and it started from their young ages. It was sketchy in some parts particularly since he left the nursing home and she became a professional dancer but they made it work eventually. I was so scared of what might happen when she said that she was pregnant. But it turned out alright, she and Benjamin did share a daughter in the end. This is where one of the sadder parts of the story came in. He had to leave his family before his daughter could remember him (as he is supposedly growing from young to younger as he "ages kan?) I mean it'd be weird when the daughter is 10, and he'd be physically 17. So he left. The postcards that he left his daughter were sad, captured some of the sacrifices he committed to when leaving her. Kesian also, when Daisy came back to the nursing home, a lot of time ahead, to find Benjamin in a probably 10 year old body suffering dementia. Since then, she started to take care of him until he grew back as a baby :/ Hard to process, right? Oh but also astonishing is the fact that he was supposed to die anytime after his birth but he turned out to have lived a long and hopeful life, anyway.

There were so many parts of the movie that I hadn't even mentioned yet. But this already looks like a tedious review so I'll stop. Heee. Oh and DAYUM. Brad Pitt on a motorcycle. HUBBA HUBBA. Gorgeous! I haven't swooned over Brad Pitt since forever!

This is easily one of my favorite movies, if not of the year - it's laid such a profound effect on me, (I guess in a different way that The Dark Knight did.) It is so bizarre when we watch a human being live life in a backward process - instead of young to old, Benjamin lived from old to young. It's not even logical but I guess that is why he is the curious case!

This Monday aint so bad.

2009-02-23T16:22:00.000-08:00

So. Garfield says that Mondays suck. He's not always right :D Hahaha it wasn't as bad as I expected, let's just say.

Anweiz. Tonight we had a National Day dinner at Cabot. Just to be together for this special occasion. It was nice. So. What are you all feeling so nationalistic about today? Is it the fact that you are currently in a foreign land that makes you appreciate your homeland? That is completely legit, actually. You live away from home and start to adapt to a different lifestyle and culture ofcourse it makes you think back the kind of life and culture we were accustomed to. So yeah that's fine. Or maybe it is the fact that it reminds you of the past that we were once a larger territory that extended to the Sulu Islands (I think this is right, not quite sure, but I'm almost certain) and is now reduced to 4 districts? The one story that I still remember, being told by one of my History teachers, was how our previous Kings fought although almost futile, to keep our country from shrinking during the time James Brooke started placing his nose where it didn't belong! I don't quite remember this quote from the king which captured the sadness of the situation of that time, which is unfortunate cos it was so aching. Something about him rather eating grass rather than his country being stripped off to branches of a tree.

Your reason(s) for nationalism or patriotism might be contemporary in nature; in the sense that what is happening around you today contributes to your nationalist feelings or so. Or maybe your nationalistic feelings are derived from a sense of national unity, a form of civil society that builds around you. But my personal reason has to be history. What I have learnt and heard about this kingdom takes me to review where it has brought us today. And maybe this sounds typical, but it still has to count! The hardship that our older generations suffered through in the pinnacle era of colonialism and their effort in preserving the land for us today. Things could have gone better in the past, yes, but you say Alhamdulillah to what has been granted to you. Also, the Japanese Occupation in WW2; I only read in books and heard through stories of those who lived that regime and I still cannot understand what they went through.

I do believe our country has a long way to go in terms of development and meh, let's not ruin this post with any pessimistic comment. So I shall just say Happy National Day to Brunei and I pray that Allah always protect our ruler and his people under His guidance. May we continue to preserve peace and prosperity. Amin.

...17.

2009-02-22T00:23:00.000-08:00

Each time the number adds by one, it should feel as if it has happened such a long time ago.

But no..

Ya Allah, mudah-mudahan Ibuku berada di tempat golongan orang-orang yang beriman. Amin.

Al-Fatihah.

Weak.

2009-02-16T21:19:00.000-08:00

Remember Raihan? Probably every kid could sing every word of their songs way back when. I was certainly one of them. It was only that one album that got me hooked though. Anyway this particular song and its first verse is just so spot on.

Sebenarnya hati ini cinta kepadaMu
Sebenarnya diri ini rindu kepadaMu
Tapi aku tidak mengerti mengapa cinta masih tak hadir
Tapi aku tidak mengerti mengapa rindu belum berbunga

I feel that way. I love God, but.. it doesn't feel.. nowhere near enough. It's there but I'm just not doing it right. I miss Him everyday yet I still don't seek Him. Even when I do.. it's never enough. It's always inconsistent with me; I don't know.. I mean I don't have to say that it's so, so, so easy to get drowned in this seductive world of greed, cruelty, money, lust etc. We all know how that is. Entah lah.. all I know is that it will take time for me, might be a while until I get there or if ever (which btw is really scary). But whilst I remember, I pray that Insyallah, He will bring me, my family and friends to the most righteous path. Amin.

Thank you.

2009-02-04T13:16:00.001-08:00

Ya Allah.

Alhamdulillah.

For everything that has been granted to me, I just want to say Alhamdulillah =)) I pray that my family and friends are always with You as You are always, always with all of us. Amin.

Natural disaster

2009-01-21T10:21:00.001-08:00

When I heard of the flood that occurred in Brunei, I didn't think of it as much. I mean yeah you hear of flood and the image in my head is like floating couches or something. I asked my dad about it just to make sure things are fine back home and whilst knowing that our home plus two of my grandparents' were okay, he told me details about the severity of it and wow, I'm just blown away. My other grandma's house at Gadong was badly affected unfortunately. I hope everyone is okay and those who are not, I hope God gives them the strength to go through this difficult time.

I am not that certain about the condition of it. But the details that I heard are more ground breaking than I imagined it to be. If electricity is out in the main areas, if not all, must have been made hard to operate daily routines and with traffic lights and roads being damaged, it must be a chaotic atmosphere to drive in. Insyallah, those who have/had been roughed by this incident are stronger tomorrow than they were yesterday and God bless us all.

For those who fought for their rights.

2009-01-20T11:01:00.000-08:00

President ~~elect~~ Obama.

I pretty much have expressed whatever it is that I feel regarding Barack Obama in previous posts. America is where it is today because a few generations ago, those who were oppressed fought for their rights. I feel as though Barack Obama is the legacy of Martin Luther King Jr.

Here's to the hope, change and promise that Obama symbolizes.

"America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations."

Like all great speeches are made of. The heart. Okay that sounded tacky but I mean honourslyyy.

President Barack Hussein Obama. Like finally :D

Just the two of us.

2009-01-20T04:08:00.000-08:00

Now dad this is a very sensitive subject

From the first time the doctor placed you in my arms
I knew Id meet death before Id let you meet harm
Although questions arose in my mind would I be man enough
Against wrong choose right and be standin up
From the hospital that first night
Took a hour just ta get the carseat in right
People drivin all fast got me kinda upset
Got you home safe placed you in your basonette
That night I dont think one wink I slept
As I slipped out my bed to your crib I crept
Touched your head gently felt my heart melt
Cause I know I loved you more than life itself
Then to my knees and I begged the lord please
Let me be a good daddy all he needs
Love knowledge discipline too
I pledge my life to you

Just the two of us we can make it if we try
Just the two of us just the two of us
Just the two of us building castles in the sky
Just the two of us you and i

Five years old bringin comedy
Everytime I look at you I think man a little me
Just like me
Wait an see gonna be tall
Makes me laugh cause you got your dads ears an all
Sometimes I wonder what you gonna be
A general a doctor maybe a mc
Haha I wanna kiss you all the time
But I will test that butt when you cut outta line trudat
Uh uh uh why you do dat
I try to be a tough dad but you be makin me laugh
Crazy joy when I see the eyes of my baby boy
I pledge to you I will always do
Everything I can
Show you how to be a man
Dignity integrity honor an
An I dont mind if you lose long as you came with it
An you can cry aint no shame it it
It didnt work out with me an your mom
But yo push come to shove
You was conceived in love
So if the world attacks and you slide off track
Remember one fact I got your back

Its a full time job to be a good dad
You got so much more stuff than I had
I gotta study just to keep with the changin times
101 dalmations on your cd rom
See me im
Tryin to pretend I know
On my pc where that cd go
But yo aint nuthin promised one day Ill be gone
Feel the strife but trust life does go wrong
But just in case
Its my place
To impart
One day some girls gonna break your heart
And ooh aint no pain like from the opposite sex
Gonna hurt bad but dont take it out on the next son
Throughout life people will make you mad
Disrespect you and treat you bad
Let God deal with the things they do
Cause hate in your heart will consume you too
Always tell the truth say your prayers
Hold doors pull out chairs easy on the swears
Youre living proof that dreams do come true
I love you and Im here for you

Just the two of us we can make it if we try
Just the two of us just the two of us
Just the two of us building castles in the sky
Just the two of us you and i

This is a good song dad how much am I gettin paid for this

It's such a sweet song. The sweetest.

From home to "home".

2009-01-12T09:40:00.000-08:00

It's weird to say that things seem new yet familiar at the same time. I guess only I can understand by what it means when I say that Bristol smelled like the first day I came. I'm physically here but obviously my head is elsewhere.

Going back re-energized me but at the same time, makes me crave for it more. I'm feeling a little more homesick now rather than last September. I used to have the weekend getaways to London to look forward to seeing my sister, my uncle's family to their home. Now, I don't have that anymore. It's so spoilt to say this but like, now I think when I wanna go to London, I have to think about where to live and what to eat. Usually, it's right at the table =/ Time to learn to change.. independent learnin? Uh? I guezz.

And it doesn't help that I am sick. And that I have some Math work for tomorrow's tutorial. AND MICRO. Geezzz. Oh ya first day back to lectures wasn't so bad.. it was the usual. Counting and one day down to Easter holidays. LOLZ SO SAD!

I miss Bapa and Babu.

Temporary? Temporary.

2009-01-02T07:56:00.000-08:00

So I thought with ample time during the holidays, I would be posting something on here. But apparently all the food being shoved down my throat (maybe that's not so accurate because all the "shoving" was done ermm by yours truly) have been keeping me occupied. So promising!

My (food) cravings are pretty much satisfied for now. Although that's no stopping me from stuffing my face. Umm however, my feet are still disgusting. I need a pedicure buddy bah - I could use Zaidah.. but my holiday days are pretty much numbered.

Speaking of holidays being over, almost and all, I am ready-ish to go back. I guess it's cause I want to get back to "normal" - ironically home this time around just isn't "real". It's so weird to phrase it that way when really you do feel that home is where the heart is, but I feel like a tourist at the same time in my own country just because I know it's temporary. (But living in the UK is also temporary, just "long-term temporary" - I think I lost you at "tourist" but never mind) In a way, it's just me thinking wanting the easy way of getting resettled to the student life as opposed to this dependent and bratty life that I am currently in, under Daddy's roof and all. This was actually one of the argument(s) to not go home in the first place, cause once I get back per se, I would have to re-deal with "awww I have to do everything by myself and have to depend on no one but me" fact, homesick included. But like I said, I'm feeling ready-ish about going back and I kind of miss it. Such as wearing my lovely winter coats.. shopping.. preparing food myself.. or not eating at all.. being with friends.. being.. independent.. sounds kinda superficial huh? a few parts, heh. And I do miss the lectures and stuff.. except that I mean no, and I'm ofcourse kidding.

But anyways.. (O. My. I didn't mean to put out a full on rant but I guess I'm in the mode.. and don't try to correct me, cause mode works just as well as mood) this decision to go back has been incredibly worth it. I got to be with the family for the birth of a new baby girl.. and just enough to say that I got to be with the family! My parents are awesome btw. As well as my granparents, as always. But I don't know if I can say as far as this going home has got me a bit energized but it's something like that. I hope whatever I've been saying is not going to backfire me.. like me handling the whole resettling thing so badly and all. And I do hope that once I get back, I will get into a studying hard, playing hard attitude. But I always say that since forever, so I really wouldn't put any bet on what I just said. But I really do need to step up my game! It's University duurrr.

I miiiiisssss my friiiiends thooouuuugh! and my cousin.. sniffsniff. Okay seriously, I know I owe you that Nottingham visit since 2006 and now it's apparently 2009? So you have full permission to literally drag my ass all the way up to the Midlands within these few months, okay? But ofcourse you'd still have to entertain me in the ways you already know way too well? Entertain isn't the right word but I'm sure you get my driiiiiifffftttt and I knoooow youuu readdd thizzzz =DD I love you and we've been thinking about you all December, sweeeeaaaaar. Oh and myyy friends, whom I know I won't be seeing for a whiiillleeee. Not in January, at leaaaast. I miss you guys =(

Oh and you know what else I luuuurv? The fact that the moment I stepped out of my room in Bristol meant money spent diminished the memories of how, in every sense of the word, priceless living in Brunei is. I love how freeee it is to live hereeeee... don't pay rennnttt, don't pay fooood, don't pay transport, don't pay anythinggggg... okay maybe I am a little brattish.

It's not too soon after all!

2008-12-12T08:30:00.000-08:00

I got off the high horse :)

And now.. I'm taking the plane back.

Wheeeeeeeeeee. I can't wait. I really, really, really can't.

=')

One semester is done and over with. Nothing much accomplished, I have to say. Unproudly. But let's just make sure to start the next round with a better attitude. But for now? I just. Want to. Embrace home.

Nostalgia.

2008-12-06T23:30:00.000-08:00

I didn't have a perfect childhood. Probably far from it... but it was a great one, nevertheless. A really great one. =')

I was from my cousin's blog and she brought me into this nostalgic moment that led me to write this. But I guess this is also brought about by me having to say goodbye to my family in London.. my sister went back home for good last Saturday and next Monday, my uncle and his family are going back for good as well.

Which really sucks ='( I mean.. it's great for them.. they deserve to be back home with their families where they belong.. but.. I guess it's selfish really.. but you know.. we've had great times here.. if it weren't for London, I wouldn't have been close to his kids. And I just love(d)their home.

Anyway. I grew up in my grandparents' house for almost all my life.. after Babu passed away, we were there obviously.. and I don't know, sometimes I forget this.. but I don't think I could ever go through what I did as a child if it weren't for the love and care my grandparents, my uncles and my aunts provided me.. my sister and my brother.. My dad.. as a single parent until my mom came along.. I really don't have a Brady Bunch package or even something close to it.. but the family God bestowed me with.. is pretty damn amazing.

It wouldn't be real to wish for a machine where I could turn back time and be a kid again, even just for a day. But I want to. I want to go back to the simple days and embrace it again. Maybe even in a way that I never got to. Those days rocked when everyone was still living in Surapit =') The memories of my siblings and my cousin growing up together are simply the ones that I just.. heart. We didn't have as many toys as the little cousins do today but we totally had each other to play with all the time. We showered, ate, slept, played together... =') The days... when we ate nasi lemak Kaka Wani bought from sekolah ugama Serusop so the four of us would eat it together on the 'meja bulat' and me and kaka Amal fighting over the heart shaped nugget during lunch after school...... procrastinating ugama school by watching Akazukin Cha Cha on Cartoon Network and then dreading 9pm because that was when the channel became TNT!

But you know, even though we don't live at my grandparents' anymore.. we still practically do, with the amount of hours we tend to spend there! If we don't go there even for a day, my grandma would be all like "duiiii laaaai mana tia kau ani." Hehe. Miss her <3>

I miss everything about the old days. It's not just me writing this post, you know cause I'm starting to appreciate family values more now that I am geographically disunited from mine... but I genuinely do. You don't want to be living in the past, that's true, no matter how happy and great it was. But it doesn't hurt to reminisce. And you know I'm happy to be here, I wanted to be here, no question. But it's not wrong to want to be home at the same time, is it? =)

ps: i wish i had our pictures from those days on my laptop but i doooont. shame.
ps2: hari raya haji was one of those celebrations where we have big meals in Surapit, with my grandma and ni bungsu cooking amazing food. plus everyone together. the kids running around in the living room, fighting and making up one minute and the other. my dad making lame remarks. my uncles and aunts talking 'politics'. how can i NOT miss all that? <3 =) nini masak kambing hehehe.
ps3: but why hasn't her cooking skills come down to any of us? =/

I'm leaving on an airplane, I don't know when I'll be back again.

2008-09-24T07:11:00.000-07:00

Today marks 10. More days to my departure. I can’t wait. But the realization is close to hitting home as I spend one minute and the next with my family. My Dad has been reminding me… he knows that I’m really looking forward to it, and in his words, “so you’ll be far away from me, kan?”

…

What will you do when you fall sick and Bapa’s not there to check on you in your room and asks if you’re okay and gives you the meds?

…

I’ll miss you, Pa.

Today marks 6. More days to my departure. I still can’t wait. But the realization is closer to hitting home as I spend one minute and the next with my family. My nini bini’s been asking me to sungkai at her place everyday now. Which I do, well almost everyday. I can’t even imagine how much I will miss her. I grew up in nini’s house and she’s just… everything. The glue that holds everyone together. The kindest heart I know.

Although I’m not exactly beaten over at the fact that I won’t be celebrating Raya in Brunei this year, I will miss how Nini makes nasi lemak for the first day of raya because I love it. She’s approaching 70 but she’s the busiest woman in the house, I love her strength. I can see that day to day she would go to the ends of the Earth for her husband, her children and her grandchildren, and it’s incredibly inspiring.

I can’t imagine a life without her.

“Berapa hari lagi ni, lai, nda ko tidur sini?”

2. two.

I miss the kids =’(

And I haven’t even left yet.

I’ve been watching them grow since day one and now to leave as they are growing up… is hard. To miss significant moments as they’re growing up … makes me feel so =/

=’[ I can’t think of how I won’t be able to see them as often as I do.

I’m going to miss the Saturdays. I’m going to miss the cinema trips then us alluring Pamit to belanja Swensons! Aww. I won’t be here to bring them watch High School Musical 3. In October. I won’t be here for Ily and Dina’s birthdays. They’re going to be… seven.

Sweetie, don’t fight so much when Kaka is no longer around.

And please look after each other.

I’ll be back with pretty dresses, I promise you girls. (And shirts for you boys!)

… and don’t grow up too much.

<333333>

Sigh.

SIGH.

I’m going to miss my family so much.

=’(

...

……

………………….

I don’t wanna leave Nini.

I don’t wanna leave the kids.

I knew I would be sad eventually about leaving but it’s nowhere near where I’m feeling.

…

So.

No more wait.

Okay. Here you go. The day you’ve been anticipating for. There. You. Have. It.

It’s finally your turn. Happy? Ofcourse I am.

I want this more than anything. Then?

Then…

Then… I leave.

Someone is watching over me and I know it's you.

2008-09-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

It has been sixteen years. Why hasn’t it got easier? It’s not supposed to, dear.

I’d like to think that you can hear me everyday. At least, when I come over, you can. I’m sorry, though, that I don’t come as much as I should. It’s not that I’ve been busy with life etc, I have no excuses. It’s selfish to say this, I guess, but I think the reason is that it’s hard for me. It’s hard for me that I can’t look at your face when I want to talk to you, and it’s only lucky if ever I get to feel you around me.

It kills me how I don’t remember being in your arms.

It pains me that I don’t remember you looking into my eyes and smiling down at me.

It hurts me why I don’t remember your voice speaking to me.

I’m not supposed to question why. I know. But sometimes… why?

What if… you are here? What if? How much different would life be; what kind of person would I be?

And I’m leaving. Just like Kaka and Abang did. I know you’ve been watching over us and thank you. All this time. I’d like to think that I have a piece of you wherever I go. Don’t I? I do.

I just want you to know that I miss you. I love you – something that I never got to say to you… and what I never got to hear from you.

If only for a day, an hour, a minute, a second… I could remember. But in life, you don’t always get what you want, right? When you lose someone so significant in your life, it gets going and you just sorta deal with the loss. Each day, I have realized that, dealing with the loss is something that doesn’t come with a full stop. Most days you find yourself moving on with life as it goes… but some days… you just break down and cry.

Al-Fatihah.